Forthnights

Self sooth!

What a strange day. I woke up late in the morning. I couldn’t sleep the last night at all. Wanted to talk to someone, but had no one to talk to. Just stayed on my bed, blasting some music away, listening to the same song over and over again. I not sure why, but I have that habit of listening to the same song many many times, especially when the mood is right. When I finally felt a bit tired at 3a.m, I switched off the lights and went to sleep, but heart still felt turbulent and unsettled.

Woke up 10am, and would you believe it, I did the same thing. I put on the same old song, with a few additions to my playlist and lied in bed for an hour, just closing my eyes, and really listening to every drum beat, every guitar string, every strain in the singers voice. Not that I had nothing else to do, but I didn’t feel ready to face the world again until I had some alone time; sulking time if you could call it that. The mood of the day was definitely Linkin Park, theme song for the day: One Step Closer….

After sulking session, went to college for classes, and came home after that. It was medication time, and she knew it. The moment I entered the house, she was hounding me about her medicine, which I actually took away. I wanted to supervise it personally to her. She tried being nice about it, but I just said no, I can’t do that. When she saw that the nice guy act wont get her anywhere, quick as a chameleon, she transforms into ‘mean mom’ and launches a flurry of verbal abuse at me; I’m mistreating her, I’m trying to be smart, I’m not a doctor or a nurse. I bought her lunch, but as usual, she refused to eat it.

With doors locked, I took out her medication from its hiding place, crushed it into her cup, and mixed it with some protein drink. She knows that I put the medication in it. My real reason for it is not to bluff her into thinking she isnt taking it, but so that she doesn’t know the dosage I’m giving her; if she knew how much, she wouldn’t even take it. In any case, any dose I give her is too much for her, except what she decides is right. Again she gives me a hard time. She tries to drink it later, but I insist on it now. She tried going to the kitchen to drink, but I make her drink in front of me, till the last drop. She tries drinking it clumsily to spill the rest, but I make her drink it properly. “Don’t take me for a fool. I know what you are up to.” I said to her. I don’t try to be friendly with her, just extremely firm. She just gives me that look again, and it does succeed in making me feel more like a jail warden than a son.

So, job done, and there she is in her room again, doing nothing. It amazes me how a person can stay in the room the entire day not doing anything. But then again, here I am in my room, and I’m not doing anything either. Except pouring out my heart to a computer screen instead of a person. I feel tempted to talk to someone. I feel tempted to call my friends, but everyone is busy. Actually, I am busy too. But I choose to waste my time, writing this rather than doing something productive. Maybe, just like in the morning, I don’t feel ready to do anything until I get things off my chest. So here I am, doing a repeat of my morning session, just playing the same old songs, lying on my bed, typing whatever comes to my mind. Suddenly I feel the urge to play the guitar and just sing. I cant sing, but since I was alone, I did. Didn’t know any blues song, so noisy rock songs had to suffice. So there I was playing to myself, singing to myself (doors closed of course); something I used to do a lot when I was in secondary school actually.

It did make me feel a bit better, just strumming as hard as I can without actually bothering the neighbours, but I broke the guitar pick.. Ooopps… too hard. I think the term for what’s going on with me is ‘self-sooth’… When there’s no one there you can talk to or confide it, you find your own way to deal with it. Some eat (comfort food!), some exercise, some travel to the top of the hill and start shouting (maybe I should do that). Me? I play guitar, I blast music, I go take long walks in the park, day dream, and write.

posted by Compulsive Blogger @ 2:14 am Comments: 0