Forthnights

Gone with the wind!

What a looong weekend....

By friday, my mother was getting really aggressive. Without the slightest provocation she starts going into rages, shouting and screaming at me.... I made it clear the night before that i wanted her out of my hands... So my brother came on friday to talk to her...

Earlier, i went to the nearby clinic to talk to a doctor known to her... She had gone to him 2 months earlier to get her medication, albeit for free. This time, i went to see him in his clinic and explained to him the situation. He listen, and just gave me 2 months supply of her medication, for free. I was really grateful, because though i had brought some back to pay for it, i really didnt have much to give at all... So that was one good thing that happened.

When i got home, my brother and father was back. He went to see a psychiatrist recommended by his friend, and gave me a bottle of similar medication, only in syrup form. He told me to use it when she is refusing medication. I gave my brother her medication for him to administer to her, i had enough of it already. I didnt want to deal with it. So he made coffee and some bread for her to eat. I was with them at the time. She refused to drink it, screaming, resisting, crying, pleading..... I kept quite, and when i couldnt take it anymore, i scolded her telling her to just drink up. My brother in turn lost his temper, but at me , and shouted at me to stop making the situation worse.... just go out and do my own thing....

So i just walked out of the room...pissed off... at her and at him.... Ya... you can do that now.. try doing it for the next 2 months.. ive had my turn... lets see how you do it.. since you are so great. I have moved pass the stage when i try being all polite and civil about the matter.... She needed her medication everyday, and i chose the way most efficient... coercion..... Its not pleasant.. but it gets the job done.... I cant afford to be pestering and badgering her for an hour every day..

So i let him be.. and just stayed outside the room..... He said he will come back on Sunday to TRY to take her along.... He said the medicine was supposed to be fast acting. "Give it some time. Already she is a bit more calm." WHAT? i thought... i see no such thing...... She's not calm.. you are lying to yourself... you think you just give her that medicine one time and she already calm? I had my doubts, but i agreed to at least give it a shot.

So he left by the evening, going to some gathering... how fun.... So i pretty much let her be for the rest of the night.

The next morning, my father came by. I tried giving her her medication. She still did not know about the syrup.... So i dripped it into coffee.. took some bread and offered it to her... Naturally she refused...... But this time, she was hysterical... started screaming and shouting at me.. trying to snatch the cup away from me.. She was seated and i was standing.. in the living room.. father present... The more i pressured her to take the drink, the more she resisted... to the point where she started to kick me.. and i fell backwards.... coffee spilling all over me..... oh yes... she's much calmer.. i can see how right my brother was.... She said i was crazy.. she said i was mad... SHe said God would punish me for abusing my mother... that i would have a short life because of the things i have done to her...... I just wanted to give her a tight slap...

But i just walked away... went to the kitchen and took the mop..... She ran back into her room and locked it.... Mopping up... i told my father.."you go back and tell my brother all that you just saw... you tell him what i have been going through every single day." I told him i really cant take it anymore...... She needs to be stabilized.. she needs to be admitted... The more i spoke to him.. the more i grew angry.. As if all the anger and frustration brewing inside finally finding a controlled release. In a way, i was glad my father was there to witness that drama unfold.... At least someone could bear testimony to what i go through.. and tell my brother.. .so that instead of being told im making the situation worse... or that i am doing a bad job.. i can get some emphaty from him instead......

I didnt bother trying to give her her medication for the rest of the day... Ive had enough drama for the day.. I finally got my room door locked with a pad lock... i knew she was really going desperate to get away, She was coming into my room,searching for her key.. I installed the lock to prevent her from snooping... When i came back in the evening..... i found that the door had been hacked at.. She had tried using some hard object to break the lock... My brother called.. and i told him what had happened. Of course, my father did too.. so i didnt have to say much... I told him very frankly
She needs to be admitted... I dont have the strength or the energy to tend to her anymore. Tomorrow, if you do not take her.. i will personally see that she gets admitted.. either by force or through the police... if you dont want that.. i will return her the keys.... and let her go.. But let NO ONE say that i haven been irresponsible...." I knew from my father that my brother was eager to her her go....

My girlfriend sees it as a cowards way out... an irresponsible decision... I didnt want to make any harsh judgement... as tempting as it is put my brother down. I just said to her... I dont know.. i dont care.. i dont have the energy to deal with it....... Its his choice... I have made it clear to him that its his call.... She is his responsibility now.... My brother said he will give it some thought and tell me in the morning......

Come Sunday morning... he came to the house with my brother... I could see the stress on his face.. SO many times, i doubt if my brother is able to handle the pressure.. He was easily agitated... raising his voice at me and even my brother........ My mother was again at it, asking this and that accusing this and that.. I just said to her.. "Mind your own business.." .. again.. i get a blasting from him... "Stop making matters worse.".. Now i was really angry.. so i just kept my silence.... I wont make matters worse.. one way or another.. i wont be dealing with her after today... ill see to that if you cant..... She's worse that ever.. and its not because of me.. She's out of control...

So i let them be.. and she just spoke to my brother.. God knows saying all sorts of bad things about me.. Finally my brother came to me and said her was letting her go.. asked me to give half her medication and her house keys.. I said nothing.. i just gave it to him...... Its his choice.... not mine... now that it was his turn to care for her... he has decided to let her go... its the easy way out.... of that i am sure.. i could have done that weeks ago myself....... BUt i did want to say anything.. when i said it was his choice... i meant it.

He even had the cheek to ask me to send her to the bus station in town... I wasnt going to encourage it! She wants to walk off... thats fine... now you want me to send her? No way! BUt luckily, it was raining.. so i couldnt send her. So he decided to send her instead... well fine by me.. ....

If it were up to me.. I would be tempted to just show her to the door and not give her the key at all.... You want to go... GO.... Dont come back.............. though i know i will regret it...

So just like that she was gone.. She packed her bags.. and just walked out the door with my brother.. No goodbye.. no take care.. not even any eye contact.. i could have been invisible and it wouldnt matter...

And then silence.....


Im having mixed feelings now..... I am relief...... i can finally concentrate on the things i need to get done... I feel a big burden off my shoulder... BUt the fact that she's out on her own.. and not with my brother is disturbing me...

As many times as i said "I dont care.".. i still do..... though i so desperately wanted her away from me... deep down.. i wanted her safe.... My brother was the ideal solution... I wanted him to take her.... But over the week ... it became more and more obvious that he wasnt willing to make that sacrifice.. not when it was an inconvenience to him.. Talk of having church camps.... this and that all started coming....


Regardless of his reasons.. he didnt want to take her..... He decided it was better for her to just go and do whatever she feels like doing and wait for her to return when she is satisfied.

How do i feel? Relieved.... but guilty..... Silence is still a word... Inaction is still an act........ When i fail to do what i feel is right.. when i just allow my brother to let her go.. am i not responsible for what happens too? What will happen to this world if we all keep silent in the things we see that are wrong? What happens when we all close an eye to injustice? I did that.... in my tiredness... weariness....in my frustration.. in my anger...in frustration... weakness..... i closed an eye..... i let something slip deliberately....something as important as my mother's safety.. It might prove inconsequencial..... but if something happens to her....... i know it is my fault... because i kept quiet and let it happen.. when i could have done something...

There is no such thing as absolute freedom...... the body may be free to roam.. but the heart remains caged by guilt, by fear.

posted by Compulsive Blogger @ 11:13 pm Comments: 1