It just goes on and on.....
No need to elaborate much... had another horrible day..... again.... I think i should start blogging about the good days instead of the bad... since the bad days come on a daily basis while the good ones happen only once in a while.....As usual, had a crappy time arguing with my mother... But i tried keeping it to the minimum. I know she wont eat the food i buy, but i just did anyway. I cant stand to really neglect her and not provide for her. If she doesnt want to eat, its her choice, not because i didnt do my duty. I dont know where she gets the energy from. She refuses to eat her high blood pressure medicine. She told me that she ate oats today, and didnt eat much salt, so she didnt need to. What kind of reasoning is that? I told her thats not how it works... but she just screamed at me again.
So i got my brother on the phone, and i told him in no uncertain terms that i DO NOT want to handle her anymore. But he's taking forever to come to my aide. I told him i was hoping he would take her by the weekend. But he went on about how he was a church camp to deal with etc, and that he wont be at home. Well, church camp or no, i told him that if he's going to take any longer, he might as well not take care. After all, i need the entire week uninterrupted till Saturday. If he's going to take her on Friday night, might as well not. He then goes on to ask me how long he should be taking her....
I didnt really have an answer for him, neither did i even think of it... take her for the rest of the year for all i care. But if even before taking her he starts asking me how long she's going to be there, what kind of message is that sending me?
So after repeating myself to him, after describing to him just how stressed out i am, how crucial a time it is for me, he finally agrees to take her out of my hands.... hopefully by the end of the week.. but even then, he refuses to give me a certain answer. "Lets play it by ear" he says. Since when did u start using phrases like that? Play by ear? What does that mean? To just see how it goes? If it suits you, then you take her, if not you leave her?
Anyway... the point is he has agreed to take her, its just how long he takes to actually do it thats bothering me now, and it beats the point if he's going to take forever.......
He then goes on about how i should talk to my mother (again)... "Dont argue with her.. Dont affirm nor deny her hallucinations.." he goes on and on about some of the things i should be aware of when talking to her since my mother is not normal.... well... thanks for the advice.... it really helps alot..... its so simple, i wondered how come i never tried it sooner.
But really, it makes me so sad looking at her like that. I come home, open the door and see her lying down on the floor in the room. The silence in the house, and the sight of her just lying down alone, not saying a word...... it just gets to me... to just say 'i'm sad' is an understatement. In truth, i am broken hearted.... even right now...... Every single time i have to be see her in her state, everytime i get dragged into a shouting match with her, i feel a piece of my heart crushed. Maybe i am cruel to her, maybe i am being to cold and uncompassionate..... but it affects me too..... I never wanted to have a mother like that... i never wanted for her to be ill.... but for all of her faults... she means to much to me.... The state she is in affects me so much because she is dearest to me... I feel the need to control her so tightly... because i am most afraid of what will happen to her without me.....
I know if it were my brother facing the situation, he would have given up, letting her just go... He asked me how long he's supposed to keep her, and what to expect next... i just said "Hope for the best. If she doesnt get out of her relapse, she's going to need to be hospitalized."
How come no one invented pain killers for the heart? It hurts really bad......
posted by Compulsive Blogger @ 3:05 am
Comments: 1
