Forthnights

So much for swapping

Well, i dont know what happened, but suddenly swapping parents seem like a remote possibility.

I was busy doing work at home when my mother came over to my room, going into her rage again. This time around, she wanted her keys again. Of course, i didnt give it to her. Instead she said she just wanted to go out for a walk.Its been 2 weeks of locking her up at home......

Has it been that long? It feels more like 2 years to me. Anyway, i was really really tired of dealing with her. I was busy as hell doing a thesis due next saturday, and now this. She really just stood in front of my door and started blasting non stop for the next 10 minutes, right in front my friend, going on and on about how my father is evil, wants to kill her, the nuggets in the fridge is poisonous etc etc... you get the point....

So i just told her to speak to my brother. I said if she could convince him to agree, i will let her go, no questions asked. I got him on the phone, and he spoke to her for almost 20 minutes, mostly arguing... At least its not me arguing with her... i selfishly thought.

In the end, when i got back on the phone with my brother, he just pushed in back to me..."I dont know... its up to you.. Talk to her nicely...... If you decide to let her go, just inform me..." So i decided, NO... im not going to let her go in this state... if she can be screaming and shouting with the 2 of us.. who knows what she can be up to outside. She refused to tell me all that she plans to do outside, and when i asked her to promise me she would be back, she refused to say anything. She said that she had plans of her own, and she will inform me accordingly if they work out. She said i do not trust her. "Precisely, i dont trust you. I dont see any transparency on your part. I wont let you go until i see it."

That was when he dropped the bomb on me. "So are you going to take her this week or not?" i asked. He said to me "Its the same what.. she will still be like that even when she is here. Some more, i'm at home lesser than you, and there is nothing here for here. No fridge, no facilities etc..." I was speechless......

I had briefed him earlier about her medication running out, so he had to either bring her to the hospital by friday or get some fresh supplies. He then tells me that he cant bring her... Earliest next week. Instead, he asked me to take care of it.... I didnt want to argue since my friend was there.

Later, i spoke to my father and asked him about the situation. I had made it clear 2 days ago that i had enough, that i cant and dont want to deal with it any more. Im at my limit, and i am really trying to pull things together, doing my thesis, assignments and course work.... i cant stand having to put up with her antics on a daily basis. Its taking a toll on me.. on my energy.... energy so urgently needed other places. He told me that my brother was less than enthusiastic about receiving her there. He said my brother seemed more eager to just let her go and have her way............ I told him that if my brother was not willing to shoulder the responsibility, then i might as well just do whatever she wants.... why am i trying so hard? Why am i in this alone? My father told me he was tired about the situation. I asked him "Why are you exhausted? You dont even have to deal with her. If you are tired, imagine how i feel... im exhausted." Well, i pretty much get the picture. My brother is reluctant for her to go to his place, since it would mean trouble for him, inconvenience for him.... Makes me sick... when she was alright just a month ago, he was demanding that i bring her to his place every weekend! And now that she's not ok, he says to me "Its the same anyway... she'll still be like that."

The same? THE SAME? No...it wont be the same.... The difference is... she'll be there.. with you for a change... someone ELSE to put up with the emotional turmoil instead of me....... Did i not say i had enough? Did you not say you will be there to bail me out if i needed it? did you not jokingly said we would tie her up and drag her to the hospital if he had to? Now that i am finally asking for help, for a bail out.. .why are you forsaking me? Its the same anyway??

He tells me that he cant bring her to the hospital until next week... Her medication runs out this friday! Did i not make that clear? He told me to contact the doctor friend in the nearby clinic to ask for advice..... "Can you do it?" he aske me.... "I have to do it.... I dont have a choice. We cant let her go without her medication." So now, again its left to me to either bring her to the hospital or buy some from somewhere.... But i already said... i cant afford to be tending to her right now.. .But that is precisely what i am stuck with..........

Im just so angry... so disappointed... Knowing that my brother is reluctant to take over from me. I know its a large burden to carry... and i know just how much it can really affect you.. psychologically, socially, mentally, emotionally. I am experiencing it first hand. But he really needs to understand that i need to pass the baton to him.. and he has to take it.... If you leave me standing there, if you leave me to hold the fort all on my own without the support you promised, i will break. I kid you not, I WILL BREAK. Its fine enough when things are alright. You ask that she comes over to stay, you ask that I send her.... you ask that i be nice to her.... you make cameo appearances here and there...... which is really fine, since she gives me no trouble anyway...

But at a time like this, when it feels more like dealing with Medusa for a mother, i find myself standing alone. So you continue to do whatever hell you wish to.. Go watch movies... go have drinks with your church buddies... i know they have treated you well....especially recently... I have nothing against them.. I am grateful that they have given you support. But at a time like this, you should really be here with me, taking the bull by its horns, facing the fire first hand... Not be some cheerleader, some motivation guru, telling me to do this or that. I need you to be there supporting beams, as walls come crashing down on me.. Not standing at the side, indisposed, tell me "Hey, watch out! Be careful!"

I'm going to have another talk to him.. My friend asks me why i cant be nice to her like my brother is... Hmmm.. Maybe its because im a mean, cold hearted ass..... Or maybe........ thats not a fair question at all.... I have been taking care of her every damn day for the entire year. I have been there, taking the full blow, the full impact of her relapses for the entire year. No one in my family, other than my mother herself, is affected by this relapses tmore than me. How about she stay with you instead? and I make a cameo appearance once or twice every few weeks. LEts see if you are still so flowery and nice. I have avoided going out late nights, i have made commitments to come home often enough, i have turned invitations down, i have avoided bringing friends home, for her.... but excuse me if i cant always mind my manners. What have you done? Yes, you have provided the cash. For that we are indebted to you. But more than money, we need your presence, we need your support.

As if i cant stress it enough times.. i really really am so tired. There is a word in mandarin... which i cant think of an equivalent in english. Ma Muk..... it means to feel pain so much, so often that your senses become dull, and you cant even feel anything anymore. Kind of like being pinched so many times, you cant feel the pain anymore. Or eating spices so hot, you cant even feel your tongue. Well.. thats how i feel like right now... I have been pinched, been kicked in the teeth, been taken for an emotional roller coaster ride, so long, so often, i forget how everything else feels like. I dont feel sad to tears, but i cant genuinely laugh too. I feel like a zombie.. like an undead... the body continues... but the soul is missing.... i am missing heart in the things i do. Every other minute, i hear myself sigh. I feel my heart heavy with burdens. I suddenly get anxious, worrying about this and that, and i have become more forgetful (more than usual, which is really bad). I stare in front of the empty blog page, just wondering how to start crystalizng my feelings into words, only to still be staring at a blank page 30 minutes later.

Suddenly i have this urge to go to Church. I will confess that i have never ever known how it feels like to be part of a church... to attend prayer meetings... to have fellowship with people.. to just be part of that social circle. But till today, there remains some invisible barrier, someting stopping me from going. Fear, shame, guilt, shyness... the list just goes on and on. I dont even know if i will ever start attending church...... Then i wonder.. do i want to go to Church because i genuinely want to know God? Or is it because i feel lonely and want to get to know more people? My brothers car was fixed recently only throught the help of his church members. They all chipped in some, and managed to raise the sum needed for the repairs. I respect that. I envy that. Because i know I will NEVER know how that feels like.......to have a group of steadfast, loyal and caring group of brothers and sisters to catch you when you fall...

As much as i love my friends.. i doubt i could ever expect that out of them. Its not their fault.. its just the way they are.


They i ever tell you that i always wanted a sister? I still do actually, but that became impossible years and years ago. I always wanted to experience how it felt like to have a sister... I have friend with older sisters... and its just so nice having one... they care for you, they take care of you in a way no older brother can.. and i have friends with younger sisters... and thats even nicer! You get to be big brother, you get to dote them, you get to chase away the hordes of boys after them. I was tempted to take up a 'god'-sister in the pass. But everyone seem to be just using it as a silly excuse to get to the girl they like, so since the title was so watered down, i didnt want to do it. That plus the fact that i could find a suitable candidate. Either they werent my 'sister' material... or i didnt think they would like having a 'brother' like me. How come i dont have a sister? Again, pure exercise in futility.

But i digress.

If my brother can take such a hands off approach... what on earth am i doing? If he can do it, maybe i should just do the same.. I can just say.."I dont know.. i dont care." Why should i be sweating and aching when they just remain indifferent, comfortable with the status quo... Me handling her when she's sick, and send her to him when she's fine. You know something..... Nice guys always finish last..... Nice guys never get the girl...... Nice guys never win, because they are too nice about knocking others down. Nice guys always get stuck with the worse deals.... Everyone always assumes the nice guy will be fine. "Oh.. Eu-Hann.... I know him....he's a nice guy......"

I'm doomed.....

posted by Compulsive Blogger @ 2:57 am Comments: 0