I feel lost. I feel frustrated. Im unhappy. No, thats an understatement; im more than unhappy, im upset, im deflated, im sad, im depressed. I'm tired........
Its not just my mother. Yes, she has been giving me lost of stress, but i know its not her alone. i would be able to deal with her better if i was in better shape. But the fact that i am not able to tells me that there is something else that is bothering me... but i cant place what it is.
I have reached the point where i am close to giving up, about to reach my limit. I think i have had quite enough of it all. At such a crucial time like this, when so many things are at stake for me in college, i cant afford to deal with this much anymore. Its bad enough having my friend come over, only for them to witness my fighting and arguing with my mother, needing to physically block her from trying to go home. Despite the constant dose of medication i have given her, she has still not come out of her relapse.
I will give it until the end of the week. By which, if she has not recovered i will ask my brother to take over. Whether to send her to hospital, or to bring her to his place, its up to him. I have reached my limit, my yielding point. I cannot and will not take more of this anymore.
It selfish of me, i know. It seems so wrong to just be selfish. I promised myself that i will do all i can before passing over the burden to others. My heart tells me that now is the time. You are right, she was right, they were right. i should not have to shoulder all the burden alone.
Im injured, I'm limping. Im going on reserves now. I need to return home, to recover, to lick my wounds, to heal to try and gain back the part of me that has been eroded over the pass 2 months. I have reached a point where i start to dislike myself for some reason. I get this feeling that i am not good enough, i doubt myself, wondering who my friends are, wondering why i am not better that what i am right now. I find myself unhappy, discontented, frustrated and just plain sad. I dread going home, i become short tempered at home, i have become reclusive. I keep my heart to myself, i keep my thoughts to myself, I have kept my worries, my concerns, my fears, my insecurities to myself. I have hide behind a facade of smiles and laughs. I have immersed myself in activities, trying to fill my time, doing whatever, anything at all.
But at night, when there is no one to talk to, when there is just you and the silence, the mind starts to wonder. I start to wonder how would my life would be if i didnt have a mother like that; if my father wasnt a philanderer; if we had enough money for a change; what would i have been doing if i didnt come to college? Who would i be with if i didnt couple with my girlfriend? What would i have done if i could do as i wish? Would i be as unhappy as i am now? Of course, its all useless... pure exercise in futility.
A friend of mine, having problems of his own said to me "Everyone seems to have problems of their own. Especially those of us born in the year of the Rat" (i'm born in the year of the cow). When i agreed with him, he said "You dont really have much problems compared to the rest of us."
HmmMmm... do i? Am i really making a big fuss out of nothing at all. Is it really just in my head? Am i imagining things? Well, maybe he's right. But tell me my mother is not schizophrenic, tell me she doesnt suffer from poverty delusion, paranoid delusions and delusions of being sick, tell me she doesnt walk around the house half nude, tell me there is in fact enough money in my pocket, tell me that there are people who care, tell me that i do fit into church, tell me i'm not depressed..... just tell me that i am in fact having a good life.... and i will kiss you on the lips.....
posted by Compulsive Blogger @ 2:53 pm
Comments: 1
