Forthnights

Who are your friends?

Have you ever wondered who your friends are? I find myself asking this question over and over again. How would you define a friend? Well, according to the Oxford Advanced Learner’s Dictionary (I looked it up!), Definition 1: person one knows and likes, but who is not relation. Definition 2: supporter, helper or patron. Definition 3: a friend in need is a friend indeed; a friend who helps one when one needs help is a true friend.

Well, if I follow definition 1, then I guess I’m the luckiest person alive, because there seems to be dozens of people that I know AND like, but who are not relation. If I follow definition 2, I guess I shouldn’t feel too lonely either, since in terms of supporters and patrons, I have a few handful of them who entertain me and humour me when I’m feeling down. But its when I read definition 3 do really start to question who indeed are my true friends, if I even have one at all.

How many times have we heard of the term ‘fair weather friends’? I’m not sure how many people out there have ever experienced it, but it’s a really bitter pill to swallow when the friends you put so much hope and trust in just fail to rise to the occasion, to help you when you are at your most desperate, most vulnerable state. These friends just seem to be around all the time when things are going great for you; every one wants to be around the high rollers, everyone wants to be friends your buddy when you hit the jackpot. But when you are down, out in the gutter, when the odds are stacked against you, these friends are just conveniently preoccupied, busy, or just missing.

I have seen it just too many times; in my parents lives, and in my own. Friends come to you, swearing eternal friendship. “Call me if you ever need anything. Anything at all”, they say. But when you do, they treat you like you just broke out of jail and were asking them to hide you. I remember when I was in primary school. My mother had an argument with her sister when we lived there. She had a friend who said we could go to her place if we ever needed help. My mother walked out of my aunt’s house, and we walked all the way there, only to be turned away at the doorstep of the person’s house; so much for friendship.

I remember being surrounded by friends, friends who frequently came to my comfy double story house, ate out of my fridge, sat on my big sofa set and watch my big screen TV, calling me their ‘good friend’. But there came a time when these luxuries were taken away, and instead of living in comfort, I lived in a two room flat with a broken washing machine, little furniture and a 20 year old fridge, these friends suddenly stopped coming, stopped calling, stopped being my friends, and that’s when you realise, they were never your friends in the first place. I remember buying a RM3 pencil for a friend when I was 11, and he declared that I was his ‘bestest friend in the world’, but I don’t see him around anymore. To be fair, we were only 11 years old. I remember that I was the first person among all my friends to learn how to drive, and I was the only person to have full access to my father’s car. The rest of them were all still cycling. Suddenly, everyone is a friend, and everyone wants to learn how to drive, to take a test drive in my car. Of course, I obliged them. I taught them, and even entrusted my fathers car to them, only for them to knock it into my neighbours flower pots, ruining all his plants. But it was ok, they were my friends. Or so I though.

Years later, when it seems every one of them has a car on their own, and I in turn rely on my junk of a motorbike, everyone just keeps mute. Suddenly, I don’t merit an invitation to their get together. Only after it is all done do they say “Sorry ar, forgot to invite you. But you got no car right, so hard for you to come.” I guess there’s no need to read between the lines there. No offer to pick me up, no offer to come to where its convenient for me. But hey, I can live with that. Better to know sooner rather than later who my friends are.

Since when did we all become so materialistic? I remember a time when money, possession or car was never an issue. We’d cycle all the way to where we wanted to go together. Friends took buses all the way to town just to catch movies together. On so many occasions, I took the train and bus all the way back to my old school to see my friends for the holiday celebrations. It was far, it was tiring, but in the name of friendship, I went, and I never for a moment felt that it was not worth it. But times have changed, and friends who are so conveniently a half hour drive away don’t come to see you. I remember feeling so touched when a friend did the same for me, and came all the way down here on the train just to have a drink with me. How many friends do you know would do the same? An acquaintance told me of a girl he knew, who would only go out with you, even just for drinks, if you have a car. To be fair, she might have her safety and security in mind, or her parents forbid it, which is understandable. Still, I can’t shake away the feeling that this girl is sort of an elitist. You cant walk 5 minutes to the nearby Mamak for a drink?

But apart from the material stuff, what happens when you need emotional support? Everyone is suddenly a magician, capable of disappearing when you expect them, and appear when you don’t. A friend who helps one when one needs help is a true friend. I can honestly say that friends who truly offer their support and help are really really rare. I tried counting with my fingers how many of these kinds of friends I have, but discovered that I couldn’t count beyond just a few fingers, and even these, I had my doubts. I remember a few months ago, when I was so tight on cash, I didn’t even have enough to pay for my photocopy fees, though I didn’t breathe a word of it to anyone. A friend of mine was just chatting with me, and I was telling him how my dad had not given me any cash for months, and I have forgotten how it feels like to receive money on a regular basis every month. Perhaps he could see through me, I’m not sure, but he suddenly offered to pay my bill for me. Of course, I couldn’t possible accept, and I told him that I will manage somehow. I knew it was not just empty talk on his part. It was much too deliberate to be said on an impulse. But I was grateful. He is perhaps one person whom I trust to be a sincere friend.

I guess, to many of us, being a friend is more of a part time job, done at your convenience. Its hard to blame, since we are all concerned with running our own lives first and foremost before even bothering about others. I’m no perfect friend either, and I know in criticising these people, I end up sounding like a hypocrite. It saddens me, because the concept of a true friend, of a sincere friend seems to be evaporating as I grow older. Everyone is just banding together for mutual benefit. Gone are the days when you go out of your way for a friend. People meet when its convenient, or when it suits their criteria. Friends rush to you when you are rich, and run from you when you are poor. On your wedding, they congratulate you, hug you and kiss you, propose lovely toast, pay tribute to you. When you get divorce, they humour you and sit with you. But after a while, they leave, one by one, and the next time you ask, they are busy. But maybe I’m getting ahead of myself.

As I grow older, I find it increasingly hard to find good friends. Friends who sincerely care about you and friends you sincerely care about. Most of the time, it ends up only 1 way. Either you care for them, but they don’t care much for you or vice versa. You get more friends who never ask beyond “Hi, how are you? Fine? That’s great.”. When you do meet someone you think is a potential friend, you then start to wonder if he’s hanging around you with a hidden agenda, wondering if this guy will be around when you need help. But I guess that’s not something I have to worry about, since I’m neither well off nor successful at the moment. All I am now is this guy with little money but lots of problems; who in their right mind would want to befriend someone like that right? If you asked my definition of a friend it would be, Friend: an almost extinct subspecies of mankind, plays with you in the bright sunshine, stays with you when it’s dark, shelters with you when it rains, cuddles with you when its cold and most importantly, lets you do the same for them.

posted by Compulsive Blogger @ 3:44 pm Comments: 1