Nope, its just my head playing games.......
Looks like it was a fluke after all....She back... or maybe she didnt leave in the first place.
After what seemed like a moment of peace, my mother return to her difficult state. When i say difficult, i mean difficult for me. At least, she is no longer neglecting her hygiene. She baths on her own, and eats the food i buy, thought she still complain... When i buy her something proper, like rice with vegetables, she complains. She says that it expensive. So instead requested for roti canai. Its not really healthy, but its cheap. So, i did just that. I bought roti canai for her to eat, and she stopped complaining. Of course, she tried paying me 40cents for it. I told her that it was in fact 70 cents, but she refused to believe it. SHe said she usually ate it for free back up north. Fair enough. But you eat it for free here too.. After all, i paid for it, not her.
She sat in my room and told me. I'm the poorest among the four of us. I only have RM 7000 in my bank account. I want sure whether to laugh or cry. i told her that i probably had like RM70 in my bank. But for some reason, she still insist that she is the poorest. She has always been like that. No matter how much money she has, she still feels as if she doesnt have any money at all. Im not sure what they call it, but im sure its some kind of complex, forever thinking that you dont have enough money.
Meanwhile, she has been more, how shall we call it....assertive? When she physically blocks my door when i try to close it, and tries to pull the door open when i try to close it. She gets angry very quickly, and just keep telling me that she has no idea how im going to turn out, looking at how terrible i am now.
What is the saddest sound you know? To me, the saddest sound is the sound of my mother crying, and of her singing. One day when she was singing a lullaby to herself, i heard her from the other room, and i just listened. Something just stirred in my heart. It sounded so familiar, so close to my heart. Because she used to sing for me when i was a child. For some reason, it just made me sad. I went over to ask her why she was singing, she just told me that she was sad, so she sang to comfort herself. Sometimes, after a heated argument, she cries. When that happens, all my defenses are shattered. I try to maintain a stern posture. I do not show that actually, in my heart, i too am deeply affected by her crying. Outwardly, i just ask her to stop crying, saying that it wont get her anywhere. But in reality, im pretty much close to crying myself.
Just the sound of her sobbing, the sight of the tears coming down her cheek, it really breaks the heart. Though her logic and judgment might be faulty, her emotions are real. In truth, i hate hearing her cry. Of all the thing i cant stand in this world, it is of women crying. It just makes my heart go weak. All the more, the sound of my mother crying.
So, its another weekend battle for me. She's not out of it yet. I dont know if i can do anything more than what i have been doing. Giving her medicine, making sure she eats, baths etc. I'm wondering if the only way is to really just let her go do her thing and let her come back on her own. After all, that was what happened the last 2 times.
Until next time, take care.
posted by Compulsive Blogger @ 7:35 pm
Comments: 0
