Infatuation bordering obsession?
It just seems like bad times for many people.
Remember my friend who recently broke up with is girlfriend? Well, poor guy. Just this month, his house was robbed, by his own roommate, his computer crashed, and he suffered severe food poisoning.
That’s pretty screwed up with if you ask me. After all, one thing just happened after another. His girlfriend leaves him,. So broken hearted, he looks for a roommate since she moved out. Eager to find a replacement quickly, he gets this guy who was supposed to be a university graduate waiting to go off to do his Masters. So he moves in for about a month, and everything seemed alright. But one fine day, when all the rest of the house mates were downstairs swimming, he conveniently took everyone’s cash, cell phone, laptop and whatever valuables he could get and just walked right out. Estimated loss was about RM10k. Then, 2 weeks later, his computer crashes, which would cost him another RM 600 to repair, and he ate something wrong and is currently suffering from diarrhea and fever.
In other news, my brother’s luck hasn’t been too good. He called me today and told me the bad news. The heavy downpour today caused a tree brunch to fall on his car, shattering his windscreen, damaging the car bonnet and the chassis slightly. Poor him; had to talk all the way home from work. Don’t know what the repairs will cost yet, but he estimated it to be at least RM 600, and he’s stuck without a car for now. I’m just glad he wasn’t in the car when it happened. Of course, my brother is scratching his head now, wondering where the money is going to come from. Great… as if my family didn’t have enough problems to deal with.
Back home, I’m a little confused on what to think of my mother really. Yesterday she was really nice and all, but today, she seemed to revert back to the argumentative her, though no where as bad as last week. It was kind of awkward for me when a friend of mine came to the house. This friend, whom I find extremely annoying (he just seems to push all the wrong buttons with me), doesn’t know anything about me or my family background. When he came to my place to collect some things, I was wondering if my mother was going to launch one of her attacks on me, or if she would start to make a run for it. I wasn’t ready to explain anything to this guy. I wasn’t interested in ‘making a connection’ with him, since knowing him, it would only invite a million more, stupid and unstructured questions. Luckily for me, she was asleep, and all this guy got to see was how messy my house was. But I guess it’s a fair trade then.
Also, I have been going to the gym with a friend, trying to pump some iron into my toufu muscles. Kind of enjoyable really, but being there just makes me all the more self conscious. For starters, there seemed to be so many body beautiful people there. Its like, six pack here, six packs there, muscle here muscle there. Me? One pack, pure fat, and muscles made out of toufu. There were 2 guys there that looked like body builders more than students, 2 guys whom I swear are probably part rhino, and a Caucasian guy who lifted 20kgs of weight like it was a piece of cake. So much for the self esteem I guess. These guys could probably make mash potato out of me. I chatted with the Caucasian, and he told me he has been lifting for 25 years. Man, he’s been doing it longer than I have been alive!
Meanwhile, on a lighter now, my friends and I have been trying to help this friend to go after this girl he fancies. Actually, we were having sort of an appreciation dinner for a week long function earlier last week. The dinner was genuine, but i guess my friend has slightly more in mind. His underlying intention was of course to get to know this girl better. So being the buddies that we were, we pulled out all the big guns and adviced him accordingly. I willingly sacrificed my bike for the night. He would pick her up with my bike (since he had no transport of his own) and bring her to the dinner place half an hour earlier. The rest of us would of course come fashionably late, so that he would have more time to chat with her personally. After dinner, we would all pretend to be busy and leave early, again leaving the 2 of them alone to talk. The rest of it, and what to say during their conversations were up to him...
Kind of cute actually. Its almost a sort of conspiracy theory on our part. We all just interact with each other like usual, but each and everyone of us fully aware of what was really going on, how his ultimate goal was really to know this girl. We all knew it, except the girl of course. But then again, knowing women, they almost always know when a guy has some interest in them. That is something i really believe. Women are never as blind as men when it comes to emotions. Thats why i have my doubts. Maybe its just me imagining things, but she seems to get along so much easier with the rest of us guys, but sort of turns the warmth down a notch with her. We hypothesize that she knows what going on therefore she's careful how she reacts to him. Its like of strange actually needing to help this friend in his little love life.
But the poor guy just really freezes around her, and he stops being his natural self when she's around. Another friend said that we seemed to be going a little too far, as if the whole dinner scenario is more of a set up. Well, set up or not, when love doesnt happen on its own, the only way is to culture it! Plus, when gestures of love dont come to you naturally, you have to actually plan it. Yes, it sounds less romantic, and even artifical, but they arent supposed to know that! The point is that you want to charm the lady. The means might be cultivated, the ideas and methods might be recycled, but the desire, the intention and the emotions that form the foundation of it all, is genuine. To be honest, i cant help but feel a touch of envy looking at him. I mean, look at him, he is really in cloud nine. He's really bewitched, totally consumed by his feelings for this girl.
Those of us who have been in love would know just how wonderful and terrible the feeling can be sometimes. You feel miserable when you dont see her or speak to her, you feel the urge to call her and tolk to her, just to hear her voice. You find this misery so intense, yet in a strange way, you dont want to stop feeling this way, because it is the feeling of infatuation, of being swept away by love. The day you stopped feeling this misery is the day you stopped being crazy of her, and you dont really want that day to come at all. When she is around, and just standing beside her, you feel jubilated, you feel happy and contented, being near her. Sometimes, when she walks by, and you catch a hint of her scent, it feels like the sweetest smell in the world; of her hair, of her perfume, of her. But then again, you feel terrified of revealing yourself too much. You become so terrified because the feelings are so intense, it feels like its written on your face, plain for everyone to see, and for her to see. When she looks you in the eye, you wonder if she can just see right through you. You wonder if she can see that every touch from her, however small, however casual just sends electricity all over you body, down your spine right into the depths of your heart. You wonder if she know that every gaze she gives, every whisper she makes just makes your heart do a summersault, makes it jump out for a moment and skip a beat.
When was the last time you felt like that? Yeah, its not true love in the sense, but that feeling is indeed true, its intense, it burns. You go to bed thinking of her, you go through your day wondering if she thinks of you at all. You wonder what her favourite song is, if she likes walking in the park, if she prefers rice or noodles. In all that you do in the day, your mind just invariably leads back to her. Sometimes you walk with you head up in the clouds, not watching where you go or where you are, because you have her on your mind. Sometimes you walk with your head pointed down, shoulders sinking and your head is again not where it should be, because again you are thinking of her, and you are reminded that you're not around her! You check your phone every 2 minutes wondering if she's going to leave you a mesage. On the rare occasion that she does, you read the message over and over again, savouring every word, every little smiley face, every little joke, every little word, wondering if there could possible be more to the message. On days that she doesnt contact you, you go to bed thinking of why she didnt message you. Maybe she doesnt think of me too. Maybe its just me... .and your heart takes another roller coaster ride.
Sometimes, you just wan to burst out what you feel inside. You just want to pull her to one side and tell her... tell her that... eeerr...mmm.. that you like her? No that doesnt come our right. That you are obssesed about her? No.. that would drive her away.. That you think of her all the time? no.. that would make her think you are perverted. What DO you tell her? The truth? But the truth is all of the above... You like her very much, you think of her all the time, but mostly, you hope that she is happy. You want to be a part of her life, to be around her, to share in her pain, in her joy, in her sorrow, in her happiness. Not neccesarily to be her man, but just to be there to share the moment with her. If you could do all that in your capacity as a good friend, then a good friend is all you want to be to her, nothing more, nothing less.
Have you ever felt like that? I have. I do.
posted by Compulsive Blogger @ 12:27 am
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