How it was on 29.07.2007
I woke up in the morning telling myself today was going to be a different day; today would be a wonderful day. It was a Sunday, and it was my birthday.
I hit the showers, and 20 minutes later, I was walking to the local car boot sale. For some reason, even though no body else wanted to go, I insisted on going, even if it was on my own. So there I was 730am walking alone on the quite streets of Sheffield. The city always woke up late after a hard night of partying on Saturday. Some part of me wanted someone to be there beside me, walking with me; it was my birthday after all, and being alone first thing in the morning seemed hardly a good start. But some part of me was content. It had time to hear my own thoughts, to reflect on these 2 months, to reflect on my life.. you know, that some old boring stuff. These 2 months have passed like a runaway train, and I guess that long walk alone helped me digest that fact.
I thought of the rather pleasant surprises that I received the past 2 days. Though technically it was not my birthday yet, the people at church baked a cake in my honour (along with a few others who were also celebrating their birthday). They sang a song, asked me to make a wish, blow the candles and cut the cake, and it was time for me to give some sort of speech, impromptu. I
didn't know what to say, except for what was in my heart; I had felt extremely welcomed and accepted by them. The next day, I went for a walk out in the park with another friend (at her insistence) and as it turns she too knew all along that it was my birthday, as present she bought this really expensive chocolate ice cream for me-and though the ice cream would do more harm that good to me, I appreciated the gesture none the less.
That night, 2 of my buddies bought 2 large pizza's, roast chicken and a bottle of red wine. They
didn't really know how to say it upfront that it was for my birthday; I guess that the being with being guys. Instead, they asked me"Do you know what these food is for?".... "For eating I presume?" said I. And they cheekily said that it was for my birthday. Of course, that was before they told me the only reason they remembered was because a friend from Malaysia sent her birthday wishes to me through them, just hours earlier. At 12 midnight, we popped the red wine, but I soon discovered that it was
de-
alcoholized (which
isn't even a real word) ... That same night, a friend from Australia sent me a message wishing me well and asking me to go easy on the beers during my wild birthday celebration. I was staring to wonder what kind of a drinking reputation I was having among my friends!
Anyway, due to the
de-
alcoholized red wine, I woke up in the morning fresh as and fully awake, and walking alone to the morning market in my new shoes and jeans; I had finally indulge in some shopping after repeatedly being criticized by my friend for not treating myself better. After that I went straight to church service. After that I went to a friends place for some chit chat, and it was there that the day became truly different.
This was a new friend, and though we have known each other for over a year through my brother, we
didn't really
know each other. So there we were talking about photography, comparing pictures taken during our stay here. She told me she liked the pictures I took and posted on my
friendster profile, and she has tried emulating it. Now, I'm pretty sure I don't deserve that, because most of my pictures are pretty ordinary, and I don't even own a camera. But heck, it was my birthday, so I received the compliment with as much grace as I could.
As with most introductions, we then traded life stories, and being me, I just love talking about life. She knew a little bit about my story, from my brother, though it was barely scratching the surface. So I told her as much as I could, without trying to sound too dramatic. It was a story I had told many times to many people, but have never been reluctant to tell my story to a willing and sincere ear. After that she told me about her life and her struggles, and I listened as best I could. Unlike me, her struggles were recent and still fresh in mind, and I could feel the rawness of her emotions. As she spoke, tears started rolling down her cheeks. I could see that the pain was still very near to her, the wounds were not entirely healed yet. I knew how it felt like to have your heart hurt so bad, it feels like it is physically aching. To suffer in silence, and not able to share it with anyone... not many would understand. She did not talk about these things openly, and many of her friends are not aware of what she is going through; something I shared in common with her. I tried my best to offer comfort, though I
wasn't sure how to act; my first instinct was to give her a big warm teddy bear hug... but I hesitated. So I just held her hand for a while and gave it a few pats..I told her it was okay... nothing to be embarrassed about. (later I would be kicking myself for not thing of something better to do) Tears are the greatest form of release when we are in pain, and I only hoped that those tears helped relieve her somehow.
When it was time to leave, I felt honoured. I had just been given a special gift for my birthday. She had just shared with me a part of her life and struggles. I dared not ask her why she chose to tell me her worries and not others closer to her. But then again, from experience, I remembered; its sometimes easier to pour out to a total stranger than to a friend, who might start judging and forming impressions. Who would expect such a sweet and jolly girl to carry serious burdens on her shoulder too?
Again, it was a lonely walk home, but it was evening by then. More reflecting on the way home; I felt like I had just gain a genuine new friend. Words from our earlier conversation rang fresh in my mind. "Luckily God choose your brother and you to face those problems... if it were someone else, they would have probably gone wrong. But the 2 of your didn't. They were comforting words to me, because it implied that we had strength. For such a long time, so much of those pain and suffering seemed to be the source of pain and agony for me. But now, they have become a source of strength; a rock, a pillar, in which I have used to built my life. Indeed the day turned out to be different.
"Happy 22
nd birthday...." I quietly said to myself.
Shhh....
"A true friend remembers your birthday but not your age."
- Unknown
I have always been shy about my birthdays.
Some make it a point to inform others and their friends that their birthday is looming near. The hope and expect to be wished happy birthday, possibly a small dinner and some presents. But not me.
I always find it hard to go up and tell people, hey its my birthday coming up. It implies that I expect them to do something special for them. And as the day comes closer, the 29th, the more compelled I feel steer clear of the subject. Not that I dont want to celebrate it, I'm just too shy to announce it, as if it were some big important event to everyone. It is an important; but only to myself and others who themselves deem it important. If some remember, and wish me well, hey, thats great. The thought of needing to announce your birthday to people seems a little tragic and sad, because its as if, on their own, they would not deem it important enough to remember.
And since I enjoy keeping such a low profile as birthdays go, I silently watch who remembers and who forgets, who calls and who doesn't. But I think it unfair to hold out against friends who fail to call, because we ourselves do not call them on their birthday! I think the underlying reason why people want to be celebrated on their birthday is that at some level, we all want to feel needed and appreciated in the life of others. We all want to know that we have made a difference in other, and that our existence has not gone unnoticed or unappreciated. Its because of this, announcing and expecting others to celebrate your birthday seems to beat the point. what is the point of a nice dinner in your honour if it was you who invited everyone there in the first place? Where is the sincerity in attendance if it was not initiated on their own.
My 22nd birhthday would be the first I am spending completely away from my family and loved ones. I think its going to be a lonely affair, since usually, its my girlfriend who makes the biggest deal out of it, wanting to invite everyone over for a dinner. Though on the exterior I tell her to keep it low, and stop treating it like some celebrity birthday, in my heart, I appreciate the gesture. She finds it important, and would expect others around me to find it important. And to me, that is the single greatest thing that gives me satisfaction on my birthday.
Another thing to note is the birthday of others. There are other friends around me whos birthday is within days of my own. Maybe they deliberately avoid talking about my own birthday in front of me, or they truly do not realise it, but some people seem to have their birth dates remembered better than others. Not that I hold any envy or resentment though. It looks to me like a case where the squeaky wheel gets the oil. The more unabashed you are about announcing your small little existence, the more people will remember to celebrate it, not because they truly want to, but because it is only polite to do so. Its social to pressure; when you know someone around you has a birthday coming up, it is only polite to give that person a gift, even just a token.
Beautiful track from Forrest Gump
I love this track from Forrest Gump.. Its one of my all time favourite movies.. Its such a beautiful story, and this track just seems to carry over the feel and emotions of the movie so well. Enjoy!
Some pics in the UK
OK, sorry if all these links seem a bit messy, but I kind of uploaded my photos to many different places.. But there are just some of the photos I have managed to take in my very short time here in the UK.
First stop is of course to Old Trafford stadium in Manchester city.. To anyone whos know even the slighest bit about football (why on earth do Americans call it soccer anyway?), you would have to know who Manchester United are. Do note that having David Beckham as one of its former players isnt its only claim to fame..... in fact, having had him was not
that big a deal anyway.. the reputation, pedigree and history of ManUtd far exceeds the fame of one particular good looking football married to Posh spice. ManU fans loved him ever since he was 16, and still wide-eyed.. Anyway, enough of my rambling, just enjoy the pictures!
http://euhann.multiply.com/photos/album/2Second one was a chruch trip to Thor's cave @ Peak District. Peak district is a district with a lot of peaks.... :-p
No, really its one of the most beautiful districts in Britain; beautiful farm lands, green meadows, hills and livestock. And it just so happened that we visited the place on a beautiful saturday morning. Our destination was Thor's cave, a really big, wet and dark cave. But in the end, it was the beautiful scenary getting there that was the most thrilling, compared to a slippery cave. As they say, its the journey that matters. Many tourist backpack and camp in this beautiful countryside line wide ancient walls going back hundreds of years. I unfortunately destroyed a small part of that wall while trying to jump across. Our tour guide, a lad from Scotland, was mortified.. and I felt incredibly guilty. But he did tell me lighheartly that I could one day tell my grandchildren of how I accidentally ruin a piece of English heritage. Walking through the hills made me fall in love... and I promised myself that one day.... I will return.. I would bring my loved ones with me, so they too could see what I experienced.
Random Shots of Sheffield & Manchester cityThese are just random photos of Sheffield and Manchester city. You may not find it particularly interesting. But as someone looking at it with fresh eyes, everything is different, even down to the taxies. I will say that England is truly a beautiful and charming place... It makes me sad thinking I will be leaving this place soon..
Trip to Blackpool Uk!Blackpook is a seaside city, full of attractions. The place feels more like one big giant carnival rather than a town. They are famous for its Blackpool tower which looks alot like the Eiffel tower, candy canes, countless casinos and theme parks.. and ah.. yes. .who can forget... its bars and strip joints.. I'm not really sure why they seemed so caught up with hedonisitc pleasures.. The bars were all full, everywhere you looked there were people dressed up in their costumes, often in revealing costumes... policewomen.. nurses... tarzan... ala porn movies... In the candy stores, they sold edible bra and panties and candy canes shaped like dicks, vibrators, cufflinks, leather suits....... Sorry it isnt in the photos though! :-p
Shit happens....
Shit happens…
You know that famous bumper sticker slogan? I used to wonder why people like it so much, or why it made any sense at all. I now know.
In the midst of a last gasp rush to finish my assignment and trying not to pass out due to diarrhea, I get a message from my girlfriend. “I have something to tell you. But I’m too ashamed and guilty to tell you.” Now, whenever anyone receives such a message, they are bound to expect the worst, which is precisely what I did. A few minutes later, she gives me a call to tell me what it was about.
Here it is. She went out with some friends to the departmental store. They walked into this crystal shop that sells fancy ornaments made out of…. mmm….. crystal (duh). Somewhere down the line, she accidentally knocks over one of the shelves, and breaks some of the items…. And as with so many shops in Malaysia, this one had a “Nice to see, nice to hold, once broken, considered sold” policy.
They did not allow her to leave until she paid for the items she broke (accidentally I must add) and now bought. The crystal might have been shattered, but I think her (and my) heart was the one that got broken. This were crystals we are talking about, and my eyes nearly popped out when I heard the sum she had to pay; some three thousand ringgit. That’s the full months salary of an average working adult. A fresh graduate would earn about half that amount. It was money she did not have, and she had to use some I left behind for emergency and some of her brothers money.
She was in pieces when she called. I know she felt extremely bad and kept bashing herself up, and apologized profusely to me. I wasn’t angry at her or anything. It just felt like being pinch and twisted really badly by someone. That kind of money was a lot by any standards, and I would be lying if I said it didn’t hurt. It would be up to me to somehow recover that cash for her to repay her brother. I don’t expect her to pay me back.
I reassured her that it was alright. What happened has happened, and there is no point kicking and fussing. At least it was better than I feared. I feared something had happened to her, or that she might be in some sort of trouble. It was a really big sum to pay, but at least it was just money. I couldn’t imagine what I would do if say, she was admitted into hospital for something. At those times, I think I would gladly pay thousands of cash instead. If the same thing happened to me a few yeas ago, I would have been shaking my fist in the air, asking God “Why me? Why us? Go pick on someone else!”.
As I put the phone down, I was shocked and hurting already, but at least I had a small consolation.
What can I say? Shit happens.
Just once in a while
Believe it or not, I still think of her now and then. Just wondering how she is doing, if she was doing fine, but mostly, I wonder if she ever thinks of me too.
She was the first woman I had seriously fallen for as a young boy
She was the prettiest girl in class, and in my opinion, the school. She had long flowing hair, almond shaped eyes, and the sweetest smile you could imagine. She sat across the class, and every day, I would steal glances at her, every time for just a few moments, because I was terrified that she would notice. I got to know her slightly better in secondary school, and I think it was pretty obvious that I fancied her. The first time I called her home was seriously nerve wrecking and I had to write out what I wanted to say, in fear that I would be tongue tied when it came to it! It would always be tormenting, because I always made a fool out of myself and yet it was pleasurable talking to her, being close to her, talking to her and having her attention; it was something like ecstasy on an empty stomach. It broke my heart when she chose to be with other guys, but I blamed myself because beyond just being friendly and courteous, I had done nothing to win her heart. When I was 15, she attended my birthday party, and we took a picture together. I kept that invaluable picture in my wallet and would just stare at it whenever I thought of her, imagining how we would look like as a couple. I was still a coward when it came to love.
I admired her for a total of 7 years, silently and from afar. The last I ever came in contact with her was my last days in secondary school. It was sad for me because I just knew that after this, she and I would never cross paths again. I would never see her face regularly again, I would never get a chance to casually talk to her, nor invite her to parties, and I instantly regretted not doing more of these things when I had the time.I have seen her photos posted on her website, and she has grown to be more beautiful now that ever before. When I first fell for her, she was a sweet and pretty girl of 11. Now, she is a beautiful woman of 22. Sometimes I wonder if she ever had any feelings for me, or was it just me and my infatuation all the time. There was a time where I would call her, and she would go into her room just so that she could talk to me privately. It lasted only a short while, and she would probably have no memory of it, but it made me feel special and wanted, and it was the best feeling in the world. But I was just one among a sea of suitors vying for her attention. She could have her pick, and in my impression, I was way down the list in terms of eligibility. I was neither good looking, rich nor charming. I was just a plane simple guy with little fashion sense, lots of access baggage and a dysfunctional family. All the guys after her were older, richer, better looking or simply much more eligible.
I guess I worked myself into a hole there by disqualifying myself, something I have come to regret.
Only a few women have given me butterflies in my stomach at the mere sight of them. My current girlfriend can, and so could that pocket dynamite from college. But this was the girl that first evoked such feelings for me. For some reason, she still has a special place in my heart, and I will never forget her. It a way, she was my first love, though strictly speaking, there was never anything between the 2 of us. For so many years, I thought of her as an angel, but I never had the courage to come up to her and confess my feelings, because I knew there was almost no chance. I wrote a letter to her, but never posted it to her. It is somewhere at the beginning of this blog. Now I wish I had written that letter sooner and had actually given it to her.
It is really inconsequential whether or not she thinks of me still, or if she ever had any feeling for me. But she was such big deal to me then, back when hormones were raging, love seemed to fuel the world and the Backstreetboys were the latest rage. It would be nice to know that she still thinks of me once in a while, and at the very least, I was someone worth remembering to her.
Oh well…..
Looong July
July's always feels like the slowest month to pass us by.
I guess it has something to do with being in the middle of the year. You are neither into the New Year nor approaching the end of it. During the beginning of the year, you are usually filled with hope, excitement and expectation for the year ahead. It is like, you have the whole year to look forward to, who knows just what may come your way! The new year brings a new breeze and you feel refreshed. On the other hand, year ends are always a time of celebration, reminiscing and looking back on all that you have done the entire year. What more, Christmas is almost at the time! So way before you even reach them month of December, you get the feel of festivities in the air. People are already starting to talk about year end vacations, Christmas dinners and new year parties.
And then we have the months in between these 2 extremes. There really isn't much to do really. Most of your new years resolutions have probably gone down the drain, and that promotion didn't quite go the way you wanted it to Christmas is too far away to start planning any parties, and new years eve just seems to take forever to arrive.
Of course, for them here in England, its summer time, and most of the people are enjoying the hot summer sun and going on vacation. In my opinion, these are also the times when the papers are filled with the most unpleasant kind of news. A child got kidnapped, attempted suicide bombings in Glasgow airport, terrorist threats in London, floods in KL and what have you. I guess even these terrorist chose the middle of the year to launch their plans, since they have nothing better to do anyway. After all, there isn't really any cause for celebration, the year didn't just start, and its not just about to end. I think in recent months, the most widely covered event was Paris Hilton going to jail, which was really more like fiasco than a jail sentence. (Next thing you know, she'll write an autobiography on how spending those horrible days in jail has made her a better person.) We are all just kinda slugging through this period, going to work, attending classes, doing your shopping, paying your bills, and waiting for the ring of festivities to arrive.
That being said, I guess I am just bored. I spoke to a senior who has been here a year, and he said this to me "There is nothing to do here in Sheffield".. I would not say that's entirely true, but it is the general feeling I get. What do the people here do anyway? Your daily activities cant solely be working, shopping at Sainsbury's, attend football matches, read the papers, watch BBC and go clubbing at night could it? I guess if you are the artsy type, you could visit their museums and galleries, which are quite interesting really, but honestly, 1 visit is more than enough to satisfy, and the second time feels more like visiting boring old pictures.
Perhaps its just the city boy in me talking again. Its not really fair comparing Sheffield to KL. A fairer comparison would be Manchester to KL since both are proper cities. Sheffield is more like a really big town if you ask me.
Its July, and I am already waiting for Christmas to arrive. I want to hear Christmas carols, I want to sing Christmas carols, I want to see the town painted in red, I want to see people busy shopping buying gifts for their loved ones. I want to be busy doing Christmas shopping…. But its not till another 5 months from now… 150 days….. 3600hours….216000hours….12.90million seconds……could time move any slower?
Just about the only thing to look forward to in the month of July, is perhaps my birthday. If you can even consider that something to look forward to…. I'll be turning 22 years old this year… and believe it or not, here's a piece of info for you; I have never smoked a cigarette in my life. Not that I am planning to by the way. Its just one of those things I knew from the very start that I would never do. I have had plenty of opportunities to try my hand at smoking, but I never took any of them up. Its no big deal, and I am fairly certain I aint missing something out of it…. except lung cancer.
What do I want for my birthday this year? I don't know man… I just want to be happy….. I have been for quite some time now. Suffering has put my life in perspective. I don't ask for more, because I know how it feels like to get by with much less. I feel I am closer to God now than I have ever been in my life, I am spending 3 months in a beautiful (albeit slightly boring) foreign land, studying for a British qualification, I have a well paying job with generous perks waiting for me, I have a wonderful girlfriend and a doting mother waiting for me to return, I have my friends to share, play and study with, and I am in good health…I don't have everything I want in life, but I have all that I need to be happy.
Care for a hug there luv?
I guess there was always going to be some sort of culture shock when staying in a foreign land.
I thought getting used to the cold weather and eating bread and pasta everyday was just about the biggest culture shock I was going to experience.
But just the other day while walking home, I saw it. Please forgive me if I may seem crude.
There were 2 men walking in front of me towards my direction. They were having some sort of argument. The bigger guy stopped, and started shouting at the other guy. They were standing on the close side, but there were tears rolling town the cheek of the bigger guy. After some heated exchanged, the hugged and continued walking. As I passed them by, I could still see and hear the big guy talking and crying.
Now, perhaps I was wrong, but that looked every bit like a lover’s quarrel, which is really fine, if not for the fact that there was a lack of a female side to it. As discriminating as this may sound, I still can never get used to see the sight of 2 full grown men holding hands, smacking each other on the buttocks or hugging like lovers. Lets not even begin to mention kissing or love making.
I kept a straight face, and walked pass them as if nothing were going on. As far as I made to understood, the good people of Britain have gone out of their way to prevent discrimination against people whether it because of the colour of their skin, ethnic origin, disability, religious belief or sexual orientation/preference. Which is really a great thing when you think about it; they can’t really control how the man on the street thinks, but at least you put it in letter in the law to prevent such acts to be done openly. So I thought to myself, hey, I’m in Britain, and the people here don’t discriminate against people who are different from themselves, I could at least try to respect that.
But it doesn’t stop me from coming home, sitting in front of the computer and just try to digest what I saw.
Here was 2 full grown men, holding hands, hugging each other, and chances are, at some point in time, they’d probably kiss and *ahem*.. make love. Which is really strange if not downright bizarre to me. I find it next to impossible to have anything more than brotherly love for another guy. How can you develop romantic feelings for a person of the same sex? I honestly find it impossible to imagine myself in their shoes, developing feelings for my best buddy, wanting to be near him….., hold his hand…… and kiss him……. even typing it is tough! You play football with your buddy, you watch movies together, play cards, tell jokes, have drinks and a whole range of things, but the last thing you would want to do is hold their hand tell them how much it means to you to be with him, and that you cant stand when other guys come up to him and chat him up! It feels…….. unnatural. I am fully aware that being gay is more than just being sexually attracted to another guy, it comes with the full range of feelings of a normal relationship. But coming down to the actually love making part, it numbs my mind and I find myself totally speechless as to what to say…. unlike in a normal relationship, the sum of the parts don’t quite fit. Forgive the lack of a better example, but its like you’ve got 2 screwdrivers, but you have don’t have any holes to screw. *that sounded dirtier than I intended*
I have since come across many gay couples while walking around town. I guess the nice thing about a law that is against discrimination is that people can be who they want to be, dress the way they want, and think the way they want and everybody can still live in peace. The law doesn’t try to shape how you are supposed to think, neither is it asking you to treat everybody as the same, but that you treat everyone as equals. They have the right to feel the way they do, while I have a right to my opinions.
