Bye bye sheffield.. and everyone in it!
I’m feeling rather melancholic right now.
It’s this whole issue of having to leave Sheffield in a matter of days that’s got me all down really…
It’s time to leave, but my heart is not ready to go… I think to myself that if only I had more time, I could prepare myself better.. and once I did the things I want to do, I could then return to Malaysia with a contented heart. But even if I were given more time.. how much would be enough? Its not a feeling of wanting to see more of the country, visiting more tourist spots… it’s a feeling of wanting to actually live here and be a part of this place... Its not an infatuation.. it’s a budding love affair I am starting to have with this land… If I did get the chance to stay back.. it would only make it harder for me to return home in the future.
Last night, as I sat down for dinner with 2 church friends, who are residents here, I shared my personal history with them for the first time. Of course, they were surprised. It struck me that this was the first, and probably the last time I would be sharing with them in such a setting. In their own words, they were just starting to get to know me, but before you know it, it is time to leave. Can you see where I am heading here?
I would not say I am bitter about it… but the feeling is not dissimilar.. It’s a feeling of being forced to accept the cruel ironies of life…. You wait the entire day, but the sunset only last 5 minutes. You wait 4 years for someone special to come along and they appear only at the end when it’s literally time to pack your bags and go home. You search all your life for some place you think you can call home and never find it, only to accidentally stumble upon it at the end when your time is up. Have you ever tried waiting for a bus.. convinced that if you stopped waiting right then, it would appear soon and you would miss it? Then, an hour later, when you neither have the patience nor the time to wait anymore, you catch the nearest taxi to leave, and just as the taxi departs and you are on your way, there in the back, appears the bus you have been waiting for for the past hour. Yes, life can just be incredibly ironic.
They say life would not be as exciting of we were immortal., that the moment would never seem so beautiful if it were something that could be replayed. The fact that those fleeting moments of joy and happiness can never be repeated makes them so precious, so priceless and so beautiful. We all want to preserve those beautiful moments of life that take our breath away; we take pictures and videos… we blog.. we write diaries.. all in an attempt to somehow preserve a piece of our life.. a feeling.. an incident… a view…a friend…. we never want it to pass, so we try to capture those moments so that it stays with us. But no matter what we do, those moments can never be repeated. They do only happen once in a life time. Accepting this fact, it makes our memories oh so sweet, and oh so precious. It makes us smile at the thought of it.. it makes us fuzzy and warm as hints of those emotions are refreshed in our hearts.. and then the twinge sadness comes in and we realize that those moments can never be relieved again.
Goodbye Sheffield. I will miss this lovely city… By the grace of God, I will return some day. Thank you to the lovely Joy that I got to know in coming here. Thank you for the memories.. and your friendship. I will miss you most.
The beginning of the end....
Doesn’t time just fly by when you are having a good time?
I confess; I don’t want to leave….. at least not yet. Partly because of the place; it’s so wonderful here. Experiencing Sheffield and the wondrous greenery and hills surrounding it has been one of the most fulfilling things I have done all my life. Having grown up in the city, being surrounded by nature has a way of breathing new life into you. I loved walking on the public footpaths, among the sheep, breathing the clean cool air and feasting my eyes on the natural wonders that God created among the hills. I love the English country side. It is without a doubt one of the most beautiful things I have seen in my life up to this point. I could only stand in awe when I had my first glance of the beautiful valleys coming from Manchester exactly 3 months ago. It felt has if I had just discovered something I sorely missed after years and years of self imposed exiled in concrete jungles. Though I said it was a charming sight, I was in fact more enchanted than charmed. It stirred my heart, and suddenly the convenience of a modern city; trains, shopping malls, convenience stores, coffee houses, bookstores and the like all at your doorstep paled in comparison to the beauty before me. If you have a hard time believing in the existence of God, just come see; how can anything so beautiful be created by coincidence?
I don’t miss Malaysia one bit. OK, maybe I do….. but it isn’t because of my inability to adapt. There are mainly only 2 things I miss in Malaysia; the food, and the people I love. You take that 2 away, I see nothing significant that would continue to draw me home. The food I can live with, or rather without. Man is a flexible animal, and eating is just really 1 part of living. Despite what most Malaysians believe, we do eat to live, and not the other way round. The people.. yes the people.. family and friends… those are the ones you cant live without. And it is because of them that I will reluctantly go home.
But if you want to know the whole truth, here it is; I don’t want to leave, also because of the people here. In coming here, I have come to befriend many new people. It has been a time of great growth for me, both spiritually and emotionally. I lead a worship session for the first time in my life, I played the guitar for Sunday service for the first time, I even lead in prayer for a group for the first time, even if I didn’t do those well. I never expected to be doing all these, since I am a person far from holy. But happen it did, and I find myself being thrust into this position of leadership among my peers in church and in class.
Truth be told, I never wanted this period of time to end. There are so many things I want to do, so many people I want to get to know way better before I am ready to leave. I will especially miss one new found friend; a friend I got to know of a couple of years earlier, but we never got the chance to get to know each other better until coming here. Life has a way of surprising you, and suddenly we found ourselves getting along really well; we could talk for hours on end, we were comfortable with each other, but most significantly, we shared as real friends do. I instantly knew I had great fondness for this new friend. But alas, the irony of life always prevails: Like a sprouting bean uprooted just before it had the chance to flourish, the end comes too early, too soon. It is ironic that you can spend years and years trying to establish some sort of connection with someone without any success but be able to immediately strike up a warm friendship with someone else, with little effort. The cruelest twist comes when you realize you time is up before that friendship could fully blossom. At times like that, you don’t know whether to laugh or cry at the sheer irony of it all.
They say life goes on, and like it or not, we all have our own lives to live. Though in my head, this does make sense; my heart is far from accepting. The battle is not of reason. It is a battle of emotions, of trying to come to terms with the end of something, of separation. Friends come and go. Life always moves on to the next stage. We all know that, but it doesn’t make it any easier, and it certainly doesn’t make the pain any lesser. It is with pain that I say this; this will be the last week all of us will be here together, in one place, in one time. Life will move on and though the bonds of friendship may prove to last the test of time, all that will be left of today would be the memories. Friends of the road will move on, coming in and out of your life as they have always done. But friends of the heart… they stay with you for life, even if they are not there beside you.
My friend,
Here we are, almost at the end of our journey together.
It has been a pleasure getting to know you and an honour travelling by your side.
Through thick and thin, through rain or shine,
I am glad you were there by my side through it all.
When I was down in the dirt, you helped me up,
when I was lost and astray, you lead my back on track.
When I needed someone to lean on, I had your back and you had mine.
But though we travelled together, our destinations differed.
And now that I see the road diverge, I am shrouded with sadness.
The split goes right through my heart, knowing we will soon depart.
When will we see each other again? Will our paths ever cross again?
I know not the answer.
It aches me to say goodbye, but I bit you farewell none the less
I dare not hold you back on the journey you first set out on,
though the selfish part of me asks that we continue together.
With heavy feet I will leave your side, looking back every step of the way
I will dearly miss the smiles and the laughs we shared together.
But I am comforted by the warmth of our friendship, burning inside me.
On the coldest of nights we lit a fire of friendship, and took its warmth to our hearts.
The bond of our fellowship keeps that fire going, though we are far apart.
I will long for the day our paths meet again, but until then I wish you well.
May God send you safety on your journey, and that he bless you generously
With an angel to watch over you, in the form of a friend so warm and true.
Just like what He did for me, when he sent me……. you.
We part ways here my friend, but friends of the heart never really leave you.
Equal rights
5 months ago, if you asked me if staying abroad would ever appeal to me, I would have given you a hesitant 'maybe'
But ever since coming here to Sheffield and following recent developments at home, my view on things have changed significantly.
I know of many friends who have gone abroad, many to Australia, some to New Zealand and handful in the United States. Though not all, I get the impression that many of them seem to have found for themselves, a different and more appealing way of life, far far away from where they were born. I have always wondered
about this; how could you possibly not want to come home in this lovely country that you grew up in? Could you really feel at home in a land where you are always seen as a foreigner? What’s wrong with Malaysia you think you have to search overseas for a better life?
Of course, the only way of life I knew of back then was the one I had back home and nothing else. But even so, life in Malaysia is peaceful, but at the same time, vibrant and colourful. What is there not to like about that? We love public holidays and food like it was our source of joy and we speak in a unique rojak blend of English that is embarrassing in front of westerners, but secretly intimate among fellow Malaysians. Even while here in the UK, I identify with a fellow Malaysian quickly and without difficulty.
But in the short time that I have been in this foreign land, I have come to appreciate how others live their life, and for the first time in my own, I start to consider the possibility of living in such a manner myself. Repeatedly, my friends tell me how comfortable it is living here compared to back in Malaysia.
The weather is so much more inviting (not when it rains la), the standards of living is high, the country is beautiful and the people are reasonably well behaved. Sure, we have got some verbal abuse by certain people on the streets while over here, but the general population has proven themselves to be not only friendly, but warm towards peoples of all colours and skin. The do acknowledge and warn us against the minority of people who just seem to be prejudiced and racist for no good reason. I appreciate the fact that they acknowledge the existence of such problems and go out of their way to reassure us. Compare this to back home, where the issue of racial harmony has been a work in progress from the day of independence. 50 years old, and we haven’t really tackled many of the issues surrounding race and religion. Ever since the 60’s we have all just been put on a permanent gag order, not to discuss it in public, because it would incite fear, anger and all sorts of other baddies that crippled us back in 1969. And since the gag order resulted in relative peace and quietness in our country, we just continued playing along with it, for mutual benefit. We weren’t supposed to challenge the social contract laid out during independence, we weren’t allow to say things in the open because basically we just aren't mature enough to have heated public debates without killing each other, unless it was about where the best nasi lemak in town is. To publicly talk about racial issues would be seen as being unpatriotic and not in the spirit of Malaysians. To complain about unfair treatment would seem like we are ungrateful for what we have, and demanding equal rights would seem like we are trying to uproot the country and change the constitution.
There is strong undercurrent running along racial lines still in Malaysia... just go online and read some Malaysian blogs and you will see what I mean. Despite the government insisting that these 'evil' bloggers' are trying to cause trouble, they are not saying anything new.. They are merely conversations and opinions long heard in the coffee shop. The difference is only now.. everyone can read it. We werent allowed to talk openly about it, so we talk in the coffee shop, and now we blog about it. Now the government is trying to come up with some way to monitor and control bloggers too... because of their obvious racist and evil intent. But racism exist whether or not we choose to talk about it. You know it the minute you here the words 'orang kita' or 'ka ki lang'(malay & hokkien for our people) appear. You know it the minute your Straight A friend fails to enter uni while another so so friend gets in. You know it when there is something for sale, or a position to be filled and the words 'Bumiputra only' appears behind. Its all in plain sight, yet we are forbidden to discuss it. Its better to be frank about it and find a solution than to play pretend and imagine we all live in total harmony. We musn't just be tolerating each other... thats not enough.. because it implies that we arent entirely okay with the the other side and that we are just being graceful in keeping or mouth shut. And that is precisely what has been going on all these years. How are other ethnicities in Malaysia supposed to feel at home when we are constantly reminded that other fellow citizens enjoy special privileges not because of their dire economic state, not because of their contribution to the country but because of the colour of their skin?
Nothing beats home, and I suspect many Malaysians who choose to live their lives abroad still have a deep love for their country. I know of an aunt who maintains her citizenship despite living in the UK more than she ever did back home, and even insist her children have Malaysian citizenship. The British go out of their way to show you that they treat you equally even though you are a foreigner, even though you are of a different skin colour and culture, and it is something I greatly appreciate. When I return next month, I go home to the land I was born in, where they go out of their way to show you that you don't get equal treatment despite your economic state, despite your contribution to the country, but because of the colour of your skin.
Looking at Malaysia from the outside for the first time in my life.. I start to wonder if this is really the kind of place I want to be in all my life. There is a saying that the moon always seem rounder in a foreign land.. or that the grass is greener on the other side. It certainly seems so. I miss home. I love home. Yet I begin to realise there are many things wrong with it that needs fixing.. quick. Suddenly, I understand why so many have left the country.. Why so many choose to earn their living abroad and spend their holidays back home.. They love their country and one to return to it, but they also want to be treated fairly . Its ironic to imagine that you would be treated fairly in a foreign land, where you have limited rights, but not in your own land, where you enjoy the full benefits of a citizen.
Burn In Hell...
The chinese community, along with the entire nation of Malaysian have been shocked by the rpae and murder of a 20 year old university student.
UTAR Murder CaseUTAR is the sister university of my college KTAR. Many of my friends study there.
I read with disgust and anger at the incident that has happened back home. 3 foreigners were subsequently arrested and the investigations are ongoing.
She was found with her hands tied behind her, wearing only a t-shirt. Authorities said she was raped and sodomized before being strangled to death with a pillow case.
F**king bastards.......
It makes me angry.. it makes me mad.. it makes me want to go and castrate those freaking idiots....
How can you do such a thing? Have you no conscience? Do you not realise that this was a sweet defenseless lady, barely out of her schooling years, looking brightly at 4 years of life in university? Do you not realise that she has a father, a mother and siblings?
You murderer. You have robbed someone of their sister, you have robbed someone of their daughter. At this moment, there is a poor soul wailing and crying at the death of her beloved daughter; the one she carried for nine months in her womb, raised as a little girl into a beautiful lady of 20 years old, sent with their hard earned cash to gain a university degree. Have you no mother of your own? She was just starting out; at 20 years old, it would have been her first taste of life on her own. She would have to know that this was a small step in her experience as an adult. But because of you, she never got any of it. She never got to experience what it would be like to be a varsity student, get married, have children of her own, and grown to a ripe old age or any other thing for the matter... you have cheated her of that.
You came, and you violated her, humiliated her and hurt her. You had your lusty ways with her, enjoying her body, tasting her flesh. You treated her like meat to be taken. She was a human being, you f**king bastard. While you were having your way, she was probably in agonizing pain, trying to find the strength to survive this terrifying ordeal, closing her eyes, trying to blank out the horror unfolding before her. She would have screamed if she could. She would have cried if she could. But you took even that away from her. I hope you remember the look on her face, I hope you remember her screams of pain. I hope they haunt you for the rest of your life, that you will never touch another woman again. And even then, it would not be enough punishment for the despicable crime you have committed.
And when you had your way with her, you wiped yourself, took the pillow case, strangled her neck, and took whatever last breath she had out of her. After having your way, you just eliminated her, like some item of no more use to you. She didn't want to die. She wasn't ready to die. Life was just starting out for her, how could it end so violently and suddenly? She would have fought with all her will to stay alive. How would her parents do without her? How would her siblings feel? What about her friends? No chance for tears, no chance for goodbyes; just an abrupt, horrifying end to what was such a promising life. I only hope the end came quickly to her, so that she did not have to suffer and be humiliated at your hands anymore. I don't know you, but I already hate you. You have no respect for women, though your own mother is a woman. You do not deserve to live.
She is in a better place now. A place of peace, and far far away from the likes of you, at a place where no one will ever be able to violate or hurt her. Her family who survive her will mourn her going, but one day in the future, they will be reunited. But you will never get such pleasure, you will not be reunited with you family.
You will burn in hell............
God.. Ruin that party!
"Do you believe in praying in tongues?" asked a new friend.
I was taken by surprise, and wasnt quite sure what she had in mind.
"I don't don't believe in tongues." I said rather diplomatically. "Whats the matter?"
"Well, I was just thinking of inviting the 2 of you to come pray with me... in tongues..." she said to my friend and I.
I dont really have anything against people who pray in tongues, but i have never thought of attempting it either. I have seen sessions of praise and worship in sunday services, where some of the people burst out in random sounds in such a frenzy, that honestly, freaked me out.
"Doesnt your church pray in tongues?" No...
"To pray in tongues mean your are baptized by the holy spirit!" she said..
I didnt like what that implied. It implied that the rest of us who dont speak in tongues werent really baptized by the Holy spirit yet.. as if to say... we arent as holy as her. But I didnt want to dwell or argue about the matter. This was a matter of choice and belief, and I wasnt in the mood to argue about spirituality and religion.
"Is there something in particular that you are concerned about?" I asked, shifting the conversation to safer and more common waters.
"They (meaning some guys staying in the hostel) are organizing a private party at the common room, 10 guys, 10 girls, by invitation only, and my friend is going." she said.
Is seems this friend got all fired up over the party because (a)there was going to be a lot of drinking (which was probably a deadly sin to her) and (b) the party flier stated the purpose as:Just to get drunk. and so, completely disapproving of her friend attending and also the party itself, she felt that a prayer session, tongues and all was required for some divine intervention.. to burn down the common room or to give all the guys there hemorrhoids or something.. I wouldnt know..
I sensed that this was a tricky conversation, with obviously clashing views between her and myself concerning religion, freedom, privacy and the right of others to host a party and get drunk for all we cared. And this was where I stood.
I could perfectly understand her need to protect her friend's chastity against a bunch of itchy wolves trying to get lucky. But she was making some pretty big assumptions.
Firstly she would assume that her friend would go. everyone at the party to get dead drunk and intoxicated. And also that just a few drinks would be enough to get all 10 female attendees to uncross their legs, and finally that this was the guy's purpose in the first place, and that they would actually bed this women on a scale of 10, which arguably could be called date rape if the girls were unusually intoxicated.
The guys have the right to have a party if they wish. Heck, its in the common room! An open lounge. How dodgy will that get? And anyone invited to would have the choice to go or refuse. Its not really our place to forbid people attend. We are their friends, not their moms. And even if they do go, things happen, liquour flows and legs get uncrossed.. its really their actions and their choice, and certainly their responsibility. We can advice our friends and warn them against going the wrong way, but we arent there to be moral police, to catch and condemn others for what we think is wrong. Others will beg to differ.. Hey its a free country back and in Malaysia, and so here in the UK. Lastly, whatever it is, people must be allowed to make their own mistakes. Its painful to see, and we all try to prevent others from making mistakes that we are aware of.. But some just have to learn things the hard way. Its the only way we really learn.
But she was not going to hear any of my liberal mumbo jumbo secular view of life.
She told me about how they have in the past, through the power of prayer, in tongues foiled a similar 'sin-infested' party back in Malaysia, where there was a gathering of people, sexy wear theme and drinking alcohol. Its seems some old granny living nearby caught a glimpse of the party and called the police who came and pretty much ruined the party for everyone. It was precisely this kind of divine intervention she was looking for again.
I am by no means belittling the effectiveness of prayer or speaking in tongues. Personally, I do believe in praying. We pray for love, understanding, strength. We pray for others that they are guided in the right way and stay safe. But it still seems deviated to pray for someone else's party to be ruined because we dont like it. It also seems a bit arrogant, as if asking God to grant our will to be done.
Anyway, after hearing enough of my secular rantings.. She left to her room to start her divine session with God, and I couldn't wait to change the subject.
Later I found out the party did go as planned. Guys got wasted... no legs uncrossed, the common room wasnt burnt down and no one got struck by lightning.
Where did you learn how to type?
Here's something interesting I have to relate:
When it comes to typing, I can type much faster that the people around me. I took a typing test, and found out that I can type an average of 350 characters per minute; its not really that fast, but to my friends who average 200 something characters per minute, its above average.
This ask me why is it that I can type so fast. Did I take lessons? Did I go through countless hours of practice? Did I stare in front of the computer for hours everyday playing Typing Shark?
I just smile and say I do not know. Maybe I was born with fast fingers, maybe the keyboard is well designed.. of course we all know that our standard QWERTY keyboard layout makes absolutely no sense at all. Its designed to confuse you and dupe you into thinking you need typing lessons to learn it and make typing software developers rich.
Of course, the
real reason I can now type the speed I do, is because of all the blogging I have done over the past 3 years. With a grand total of 270 post to my name, somewhere along the line, typing just became something second nature to me. No more fiddling looking for alphabets and trying to figure out where the exclamation mark is, though the typo errors still come especially when I go too fast. Of course, they weren't about to be privy to this information!
If you want to type fast, hey, just start a blog, rant away about you miserable and sad life, keep your fingers crossed and hope that no one you know reads it and gets you in trouble. At the same time, keep your other fingers crossed and hope that someone you
dont know does come and read what you write; since you don't really want all that writing to go to waste. Hey, I did it, and it worked for me! Reading back, I am amazed at the fact that I have come up with 270 post over these few years. I do feel tempted to delete some of the more crappy post, but in the end, its like sentimental junk you just cant bring yourself to throw out. To be able to recapture the emotions and feelings from the past, reminded of the raw emotions of the time, as if being told a story by myself is quite an interesting experience. It is especially significant, since some of the most heart wrenching moments involving my mother were recorded here. These post remain very personal and very real to me.
Here,
here.. then
here.. and finally
here. Read at your own risk!
Cheers!
What I learnt from suffering..
The advantages of suffering, by Monica Hellwig, a Catholic nun:- Suffering, the great equalizer, brings us to a point where we may realize our urgent need for redemption
- Those who suffer know not only their dependence on god and on healthy people, but also their interdependence with one another.
- Those who suffer rest their security not on things, which often cannot be enjoyed and may soon be taken away, but rather on people.
- Those who suffer have no exaggerated sense of their own importance. Suffering humbles the proud.
- Those who suffer expect little from competition and much from cooperation.
- Suffering helps us distinguish between necessities and luxuries.
- Suffering teaches patience, often a kind of dogged patience, born of acknowledged dependence.
- Suffering teaches the difference between valid fears and exaggerated fears.
- To suffering people, the gospel sounds like good news and not like a threat or a scolding. It offers hope and comfort.
- Those who suffer can respond to the call of the gospel with a certain abandonment and uncomplicated totality because they have so little to lose and are ready of anything.
Suffering makes an arrogant person realise that he is not as strong as he thought, that he has weakness. Is it not ironic that it only in admitting weakness that true strength is gained?
Pain and suffering have been my greatest teachers in life. Though I may have grudged it at the time, I would not be what I am today if it were not for the pain and heart ache that I went through in the past. For many years, I view pain and suffering as something that was preventing me from living a happy life, that contentment and happiness meant the absence of any pain and suffering. After a while, I came to the realization that the suffering is a part of life, which only made things worse.
I started asking the same question everybody asks; why are we made to suffer? If God was a loving God, why would he create us and leave us to suffer? Why? Why am I suffering? Sometimes it felt like a punishment for the horrible things I have done in life. Other times, it felt as if God was trying to teach me some sort of lesson in life. But most of the time, it felt completely meaningless.
I read this: Faith means believing in advance something that will only make sense in reverse
And only after all these years, do I understand the value of those sufferings. They made no sense at the time, but now, they seem to make perfect sense. I would almost go as far as to say that because of my sufferings in the past, I am happier in the present and in the future. Not because I think the worst has passed, we can never know that. But simply because learning how to cope with pain, and extract value from it has done so much from me. The realization that there is value in all suffering, just waiting to be found and harness is not only comforting, but empowering. I do not look forward to continued suffering, but I do know that whatever suffering I do encounter in life, as painful as it might be, once I emerge from it, I will emerge a stronger person. What I really mean to say can be summarized in these words:
"..... Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."
Romans 5:3~5
