Why am I blogging?/Dear Mr Hung
Why am I here blogging? I seem to ask myself this question a lot and I cant seem to find an answer. I mean, ever since I started this silly little blog, I cant seem to get away from it, kinda like an addiction. Its cool, having a place to write whatever you want, at any time. Its fun knowing that everything that you have wrote is read by NO ONe, but then still could be read by ANYONE. But that anyone wouldn't know just who the heck are you... get what I mean?
So maybe the answer is that I'm blogging because it is a good outlet. I read on this other persons blog that blogging is the place you air your view and be heard. So its ok if people think its full of crap, because half the time, that's all we youngsters think of anyway. But then I don't think thats the reason I have for writing this blog, after all, I only gave this address to one person. So save to say, this page isn't meant for anyone else to read, not for now at least.
I am a man of many words, so I guess blogging is the best way to get all those unsaid words out of my system, before it gets too congested, and I start to suffer from speech disability. Its not that I have very strong opinions or that I always have comments for everything I see, its just that I have been told that I tend to say things very extensively when there is a more simple and faster way of saying it. Meaning, long-winded. See what I mean? Therefore, to avoid further audio disturbance to the beloved people around me, this blog will have to do.
So a quick change of topic here, I have just spent the last few minutes watching William Hung on the internet singing Can U feel the love tonight (www.williamhung.net), and honestly, im lost for words.. well, not really. Why would he be willing to sing? Doesn't he feel embarrassed? Doesn't his family feel embarrassed? Are the audience looking at him, or the skimpy dressed dancers? Aren't the skimpy dressed dancers embarrassed (about dancing at the back of an idiot)? I try and try to understand why this guy is willing to go out repeatedly and be the laughing stock of everyone? Money? The 1st time ppl will say, this guy has guts, second time, he has lots of guts! Third, fourth, fifth? he's
lost his brain!
its worse than being a clown! At least, with a clown, everybody expects deliberate funny humour, and that its all just an act, but this guy! my goodness, probably the nerdiest guy on the planet. Im surprised Simon Cowell wasnt harder on him.. He goes up there and sing and either doesnt realize that he sucks or he knows and doesnt give a damn. Maybe he was hoping that they see his 'inner talent'. wherever and whatever that might be. Regardless, he should realize that he's been made a fool. And his album... hmmMmm, lets say its the first time I am unwilling to spend even RM5 on a pirated CD. If i wanted to hear loud , irritating, noises, I would go to the zoo.At least there, some of the animal look good or sound nice and NATURAL. not some tone deaf, bunny tooth guy whos 'sings' and has the cheek to say "I have no professional training"
All the more shocking, he's a civil engineering student. You would think that after learning at least SOMe analytical and logical skills, he would know how to take care of himself! But nOOoOoo.. he had to skip class, go for an audition he knew he could never win. even worse something he had no 'professional training' in!
Dear William Hung
Pls stop singing for life.
Pls lay low for now eg: cover face with paper bag for the next 10 years
pls stick to your books
or even better, go hide in some foreign country. (social Asylum)
basically, quit it! stick to engineering and save yourself the embarrassment. If not your gona loose whatever credit you have left and no one is gona hire you, except maybe to laugh at you!
"welcome to the real world son"
"Welcome to the real world son".
These were the words that came out of my fathers mouth when I told him I lost my wallet.
"don't expect the world to be a nice place son, if you do, you are in big trouble" "You just have to accept the fact that the world is like this. The world is not a forgiving place and you just have to learn from it and make sure it doesn't happen again."
although I do agree with what my father said, I sometimes do wonder to what extent to we have to accept that this world is a 'cruel and unforgiving place' Am I naive if I believe that there are good people in the world, that not everyone is not just waiting for a change to steal your wallet or stab you in the back for you Cadbury bar? Am I lying to myself to think that people are selfless too and that not everyone will steal, rob and manipulate if given the chance?
"You read it in the newspapers everyday, people killing each other, robbing and raping. Don't be surprised if it happen to someone you know. Don't be surprised if it happened to YOU. These things you read are happening around you, not away from you. These 'other people' that you read about are the people around you including you." said my father.
I do admit that what he says is true, but how do you take that advice whole heartedly, become paranoid about your safety and still be able to walk on the street without worrying that someone somewhere is gonna rob/rape/steal/cut your throat? Even around my college, there are always many cases of crime. A friends motor, wallet hp.. It always seems to happen to 'other people'... until it happens to you..
I wonder is I will eventually be like my father. Obsessed with security and suspects all before trusting any. Long ago, he used to be a trusting person, having faith in the good will of other and believing that with a few exceptions, people are generally not that bad. I think I'm like that, for now... But then things happen and my father became very bitter about things, and his whole perspective changed. Today, he is always skeptical of others, not really trusting everyone,knowing through his past experience that everyone only takes care of one person.. themselves...
I do not argue with what he says, they are true. Problem is, the truth can be different depending on how you look at it. Facts on the other hand, are always the same. And the fact is, my wallet was taken by someone, robberies do happen and rapes do occur. We WOULD be fools to not accept that the world is a harsh and cold place. But we would also be depriving ourselves of a whole lot more, if we gave up believing that love, kindness honestly do count for something in this world. And that's a fact.
Lost My WaLLet
CAUTION: THE FOLLOWING IS MERELY AN EXPRESSION OF FRUSTRATION AND ME TRYING TO LET OF STEAM, SO DONT EXPECT MUCH
More like i was robbed! well, at least its half true, and that's how it feels! I was in the internet cafe, writing the previous blog, when suddenly, my wallet vanished! i checked my pockets, not there, got everyone around me and got down on my knees, looking, still not there. but i did manage to find my college id card and my ic. Seems those were useless to that stupid guy who took it. I was very frustrated and angry, yet i was happy to at least salvage my id cards. i wan angry at myself for letting my wallet slip out. Even angrier because i sat nect to the person that so obviously stole my wallet.
He was right beside me, had the cheek to take my wallet and not return it, throw away my ids and walk away like its perfectly normal to steal a persons wallet when he's right beside you. I was mixed with all this conflicting emotions, angry, sad, happy.. its just so damn confusing some times.
Back to reality, here i was in the cafe with my wallet gone and no money to pay my bill. How strange that, after i lost my wallet while writing about my lack of friends in my previous blog,here i was, stranded and needing a friend the most to bail me out. A coincidence?so there i was having no money and no real buddy that i can call and comfortably ask a favor from. I tried calling my darling, but she was working. So i sat there thinking about who i can call. At last, i called a class mate, a guy that i am on good terms with, reasonably close to ask a favor of RM4. So i gave him a call, he comes over, bails me out and i left feeling so sore.
i wouldnt feel so angry about it if i had left the place and came back to find it missing. What really pisses me off is that this guy saw my wallet, realised that i am right beside him and STILL decides that its his every right to take it! Finders keepers indeed! Pissed of thinking that i sat right beside him for at least and hour, and there he went with my RM150, and my atms, and not to mention, photos are priceless!!! It seems that my darlings fate and mine are similar, she having lost her wallet in the ladies room about a month ago.
You would expect to be better that guys. I personally always felt that women have, to a certain extent a better sense of right and wrong that we cold heartless and selfish men. But NOOOoo.. i was proven wrong when ,coming back barely 10 minutes later, my darlings wallet was magically vaporised. There was no return of the wallet at the counter and no wallets found around the stairs. We were thankfull that the management of Amcorp mall were so willing to help. So much for my noble view concerning women.. conclusion?...
WOMEN ARE NO BETTER OR WORSE THAN MEN
all are just as capable of doing what the other can do. but deep down inside, i do believe that men and women are equal, no the same. and i just hope that not all women are the same as men when it comes to finding things that dont belong to you!
Losing my wallet for the fist time in my life, how frustrating!
Mr Pathetic
well, im probably the most pathetic person on frienster. i mean, i have like 16 friends. and the rest of my friends have like a million friends! So what does this mean? What does the data tell me? lets see :
1. I am a a social outcast that has very little friends and virtually no social life, resulting in my frienster list being as short as hell..
2. I am an uninteresting and extremely boring person, consequence of which no new person is willing to add me as their friend.
3. I dont have online access and it is difficult to constantly be on friendster therefore making my online life so mundane...
4. I am just too busy and have no time to engage in pathetic on line friendship websites to meet new people, instead concentrating on the real worl d and with the people i interact with......yeah right.. as if... hehehe...
5. ....
My friend said to me "Cheng, your friendster is so pathetic." i cant really put up any more reasons coz i honestly dont kno0w y! i dont know y others seem to have absolyutely no problem making friends and having buddies while i constantly struggle to do the same. I look at some of my friends and wonder how they do it. many of my old friends have moved on in their lives, having made new friends. but i am still stuck at the same spot, with only a handful i can call friends. Other older friends that i really want to keep it touch with, seem so far away..
My perception of myself is that of a boring, serious person with a disability in humour. I long for the day that i am able to talk and joke with ease with people and they will say "you know, Euhann in a really fun guy to be with!" But i know that thats really unlikely. afterall, i have never been that kind of person and i think that it would be very out of place for me to do that.. i have never really talk about this issue with anyone, except my darling. She tells me that in fact i dont have a problem making friends.
but looking at my pool of friends, i find that indeed its a very small pool and i am scratching my head thinking why is it that i am feeling like an outcast and why i dont have as many friends that i can chat and confide with. Sometimes, i am a mistery to myself. I want friends yet, sometimes i go into solitude, prefering to take comfort in the quiet sound of loneliness. I attempt to get close to people, but i hesitate to share intimate thoughts or things about my past, fearing that i would be judged and considered not worthy. I want to be outgoing and fun, but i instead stay serious and rarely go crazy, always making sure that i am controled and measured. I am not trying to be that which i am not. but i just wonder why am like that.
Thinking about my past and my childhood, i wonder if what happened in my family has made me like that. In some ways, im happy that i went through those dificult times, making me stronger and wiser as a person. But i wonder also if they have not made me grow up to fast or perhaps deprived me of something that might have made me a totally different person. Which brings me to my friends. Looking at the number of m friends, one might suggest that its the qualit not the quantity that matters. but even that i feel lack in some of my prime friendships. I wonder about just how much people consider me their friend and just how close am i to them. Maybe its this thought that holds me back.
I always fear that people do not feel close to me yet i blindly assume that our frienship is tight and close, making a complete fool out of myself and putting the person in a tight spot. Good friendships are hard to come by and some that i have cherished have become distant. some have changed alot, some say i have changed. Some people that i want to form good frienships with dont seem interested.
At the end, here i am, talking to a computer, typing my heart out. Again finding comfort in talking to an imaginary friend that if was real, i would have said all that you have read... however, i am grateful for the things that i have and the precious few people that i have in my life. Still, i feel a big piece of the pie that make up my life, must be filled by frienship..
self imposed break
Even now as i type this, i am not where i'm supposed to be. For the past 3 days, i have been on a seft imposed break. Many things have gone down then up again, a very challenging roller coaster rided. I have no doubt that the emotions that i have gone through these few days are one of the most difficult to bear in my young and relatively untested life. I have just gone from your averaged guy to a possible screw up of all time.
The things that i have been indulging in for the past few years might have finally had its payback. Somehow, at the start, i never thought that indulging would have caused this to happened. I always told myself, it would never happen to me. I am a careful person and i know what i am doing. Therefore, i excluded myself from the possibily of ever getting in trouble for my actions. I thought that if i was careful enough, i would be in trouble. How wrong was i.
Come to think o fitm the warning signs have been there for as long as i can see, yet i ignored it. And when it really happened, i became the bad guy and shamelessly reversed what was about to happen, and in doing so, i hurt the person that i love most and wanted to protect from harm. Trust was lost, confidence broken and hearts were aching so badly that we never thought we would get over it. I swore to myself that i would never let something like this happen again. My role was to bring happiness and hope to my loved one, instead i had broken my promise and her heart. Even till today, her heart still aches about what happened. I had lost all my self respect and i tolf myself never to allow my darling to have to face this again.
But as my foolishness and ignorance proved me wrong, it happened again last week. Things were fine, when suddenly we were alerted. It has happened again. i was devastated. How could it have happened again? We did everything we could to prevent it. Or did we? I was so shocked and terrified. this having been my worst fear for a long long time. Now that this has happened the second time, would i be man enough to do the right thing? I was so graciously given a second chance by my darling, and now, we are in the same position again. I promised that i would do the right thing, but no. i shamelessly repeated what i did the last time.
I hid under the cover of saying that what i have decided is the better thing to do, even though it isnt the right thing to do. My darling fought this time, not submitting like the last time. She was right and there was nothing much i could do. I still contionue to pressure her and again tears flowed and tempers flared. But mist importantly, the truth came out.
Now, it was obvious to me, how much of a 'good' person i am, and just how much morale i have, and i can say, it aint a alot. i have seen myself for what i truely am. The worst of situatuons brought out the worst in me. the people around me think highly of me. they think that i am an honest and good man,always polite and open. but i know better. what i have seen of myself has told me that i am in fact not a worthy person.
And yet, despite of my shortcomings and heartlessness, my darling was still willing to acceot me. How ironic and shameful for me, that all these while i have been more critical of her character that she ever was of me.i had spent the last three days, thinking about what to do. I had lost all hope, my darling still loved me very much, but was unwilling to go along with the great sin that i so deseprately wanted. I knew that my life and hers were ruined. I was thinking about how i would break the news to everyone. How dissapointed and how much sadness and anger that they would feel being deceived and lied to all these while.
And at my lowest point in life emotionally, my darling comes and breaks the good news to me.God had answered our prayer. Or rather He was merciful enough to not let it be true. I was just shocked beyond belief. In three days, i have gone down and up again, in such a dramatic and tourturing way. but now, i come to see just how much we love each other. the worst had been brought out in me, but i had seen the best of my darling, and just how powerful the emotion every one ties up with the word love means.
i am grateful that i have found,,recogised and seen love in motion. I could never have forgiven myself if i did let go of the love that i have found.
dissclaimer: Any one reading these, if you are confused, or if u think what i wrote is vague, good. Its meant to be that way. IF you want to understand, tell me, i'll gladly explain...
Whats the big deal?
WARNING: the passages below are totally nonsense
sometimes i find it strange why there is a big difference in opinion when it comes to porn
Some people enjoy it. Some say its the work of the devil, others say its a natural thing. Some say that it helps release the desire, some say it provokes it. Some say that with it, our minds become corrupted, others say, its just finding out the truth, since they alll originate from us, meaning, we are all corrupted already anyway.
so which is it? generally, women dont like it, or do they? some do, some dont. It is said, men are stimulated by visuals the most, hence the big following among men. but is this just a stigma? i mean, im sure there are guys that enjoy it, whether they admit or not, in fact, i dont think there is any guy in the world that doesnt!
But i guess in this part of the world, it is more naturall that men are the publicly sexual beings and women are expected to be the 'clean' tyoe, meaning no nonsense..... some think its disgusting (women)... mabe they really do, or maybe they are just conditioned to think that way. they dare not go against the norm and have been preconditioned to say, "its disgusting, and its degrading and i'm not supposed to like it.
Degrading. thats quite a good point isnt it? are the women in those p's degraded? are we as men showing no respect to them when we watch them? lets not forget that these women are actresses themselves, are getting paid and are doing these things willingly. (assuming there are no forced crimes, and its not child porn)
So whats so degrading about it? i mean, why the fuss? but theres the moral grounds that what is happening is sinful and that we are all condemned to hell if we condone this things. I'm hardly in a position to argue about this, seeing how unholy a person i have been. But i do agree that a line has to be drawn somewhere. that line has been push further and further back over the years, much to the enjoyment of many, the result being the 'open' society we live in now. But i do hope that that like does not dissapear, it has a function. Without it, society, in my opinion, will crumble.
Yes. we might have to be open in these times. But just look at criminals. have u wondered if they really want to do these things? i mean, do they really WANT to be criminals? of course not. They were desperate. They made 1 compromise, then another, and another and another and thats why they are the way they are today. Some goes for us in soxiety. Compromises have and can be made, but then the line has to be drawn some place.
i am by no means trying to advocate or be against the issue, just wondering about it from both end. I am trying to keep an open mind. Perhaps speaking personally to these ppl might put things in a little perspective....
