Mix n Match
A lot seems to be going on in my family. My father moved in with us 3 weeks ago. He is unsure of what to do concerning his marriage, though it looks like its coming to an end. That woman, nasty as she is, has been sending taunting and spiking messages to my father, and my father is at a lost as to what is action should be, whether to file for divorce, let her do it or just let it be. He feels bitter and resentful over what has happened, because after years of tolerance and compromise and leaving his other wife for her, she has refused to give in even a little. She has done all the taking and none of the giving emotionally or any other wise. Even now, at what seems to be the twilight of the relationship, she is arrogant and egoistic towards the entire matter. He has been struggling, trying to succeed in the sales job that he is doing, but with no results, and from my observation, he is losing momentum and steam. Unless something good happens soon, I foresee that his spirit my be totally broken and become a beaten man, bitter and resentful for all that has happened. Coming to stay in our place, he has had trouble adjusting to our way of life. Not having much facilities that people often take for granted like space, a washing machine or TV, he has been restless ever since, trying to fix up things here and there and buying household things, which in his mind, would make the place more livable in. Meeting my mother again after almost 10 years, he feels a sense of guilty and sorrow for what has happened. He stays quiet when she is around and doesn’t say much to her, and she likewise. When I ask him why, he says he’s not sure what to say. Its strange to me that my father left her, so many years ago, got married not once but twice, and now, one has failed, the other on the brink of it, and he finds himself facing his first wife, and the mother to his only children. What an ironic twist of fate.
As for my mother, she is an enigma to me. What would make a person run away, cashless with only the cloths on her back? I don’t know why she ran. I though we reached an agreement that she was to remain in KL, near to us, so that we might have her around and spend time with us. Though she wanted more, wanted to stay with us, this was the most that we could give her. To grant her wish would do more harm than good, even if she doesn’t realize it. All she tells us is that she wants to stay with us, and that she cant stand the home. But isn’t staying in the home, and meeting us 3 times a week for dinner etc better than seeing us a few months once for only a few days? My primary concern for her is her safety. Most people in our old home know that she stays alone, and from what the neighbours tells me, there are strange men who come to the house to see her. From their description, I can identify some as her friends, but many others remain a mystery. I have always harboured a fear that she has been sexually assaulted by men there, and she is afterall defenseless against it. Adding to that, she is mentally ill, with a serious lack of judgment and reasoning. She confessed to me that she tried walking barefooted and with minimal clothes out on the street because she wanted someone to buy a slipper and some cloths for her. According to her, she put her trust totally in God and let Him provide for her. Though I feel betrayed and cheated by her when she ran away, I must carry out my duties as a son, and my first and foremost concern MUST be her safety. Though it is her wish to stay out of the homes without regulations and rules, I cannot let her stay alone unsupervised for her own safety.
My brother got his blood pressure tested recently, and it was 130/100. This is high and a very bad sign. He said he thinks its due to his stress. I told him we are all under a lot of stress now. Instead, it his him not managing and coping with it that is taking a toll on him. Strangely about my brother, he always seems to come to the conclusion that he’s the tragic hero in matters. For the past month, he has done little for my mother except to pay the bill, hardly spending time with her because he is ‘too busy’. But not too busy to play badminton with his friends or go buka puasa with other people. But too busy to spend more that half and hour in two weeks with my mother. I feel very frustrated and disappointed with him. He seems to be NATO. No Action, Talk Only. Imagine my reaction when I heard him say he didn’t want to dictate what my father and I should do concerning my mother, but he hoped I would play a bigger role that the one I am playing now. Somehow he thinks that he has done more, and I haven’t done enough in caring for our mother. No doubt, he has been footing the bills, but what about your physical and emotionally contribution? Or is it that traveling 20kms per trip twice a week using public transport and spending a few hours with her insignificant to footing the bills and making a cameo appearance only once in a while, even if he has a car and lives nearby? He talks about how he is ready to take on the responsibility of caring for our mother. But all that he has done so far is to assume all the authority and little of the responsibility that is involved. He has succumbed to office gossip and joined the gang of boss hater, and wants to change job. He says the boss is a terrible person that cheats and lies and doesn’t appreciate his workers. No doubt, the is some validity in what he says, but he is also to blame for showing up late for work constantly, sometimes an hour late, taking leave unnecessarily and not doing his work properly. When the boss reprimanded him, he took it personally even if he IS guilty, and decided that he is the tragic, innocent, unappreciated staff being hackled and bullied by a scheming, lying and two timing evil boss straight from the gates of hell. (maybe I’m exaggerating, but that is certainly the tone he takes) He is delusional of the realities around him, and is choosing to see things the way he wants it. He thinks he is doing a great job as a son, that it is me that hasn’t been doing enough and he is being treated undeservingly by a mean boss, but he is only half correct. When you point your finger(index) at others, you point 3 more at yourself
My girlfriend dislikes my brother, because she feels he is a boaster cock and egoistic. Similarly, my brother shares the same distrust and dislike for her. But they both put up with each other because of me. Both know that because of their relation with me, they have to maintain goodwill between them, but that doesn’t mean there is no ill feelings, and yours truly receives the lashing from both sides. Of all the things going wrong in my life, I’m glad my relationship with her is not one of them, except for a few minor arguments. I haven’t been spending much time with her because of all the commitments and responsibilities that I have been holding for the past month. Try juggling between mounting homework and studies, a mentally ill mother, a grieving father, an emotional brother and a short fused girlfriend and tell me how you fare. She has been having stress of her own in work and studies, and I am grateful that instead of being an additional load for me, she has been a pillar for me to support on. My father told me it was very different for him when he has no one to relate to and support him, and that it affects his esteem. I understand now where some of the strength and support is coming from. Her only constant complain is that the house is always messy and dirty no matter how many times she clears it. She gets very mad when my brother and father (and I) mess up the place or don’t keep things properly. She also gets annoyed that my brother wallops all the foods like biscuits, dried meat and chocolate before others even get a taste of it. But overall, she gives me the least problems and the most support, for which I am grateful.
To top it all off, there is my cousin, the anti-social guy. It has been 2 years since he is here and he never goes out with his college friends. He ALWAYS eats dinner at home, alone, ALWAYS is in front of the computer playing games or watching movie for hours, ALWAYS go back straight after class. I wonder how is it possible for him to study here for so long and not make anything more that just regular friends. He NEVER helps with any of the house work and seem to create mess around the house too. He runs in the room the minute there is guest in the house, jumps on the computer the minute it is free and is always with his head facing down. I feel sorry for him sometimes, for his lack of ability to socialize and make friends. Not that he is incapable, just that he refuses to come out of his little snail shell.
So put these 5 people together, put me in the mix plus a dog and imagine us all living in a 2 room flat, roughly the size of 3 or 4 badminton courts and what do you get? Nothing pleasant I assure you.
Runaway mom(again)
I am at a lost as to how to express what has just happened. For the second time in a month, my mother has run away. Yes, she ran away again, right under my nose, yes, again without any money or anything but the cloths on her back. We were at home, it was morning, and I was in the washroom. Before I entered, she was just collecting the dry cloths from the balcony, and when I came out, she was gone, with the door open. Where did she go to? The truth of it hit me moments later. She ran away, again. If she wanted to go for a walk, she would have surely told me, but the sneaky manner in which she left the house, making sure she didn’t make any noise, told me that she wanted to get away without being notice. To make a long story short, my father and I rushed to Pudu station to try to catch her (again), assuming that she would head up north again. Needless to say, we couldn’t find her. Talk about looking for a needle in a hay stack. So now, I am left pondering just where and how my mother has ended up wherever she is, and waiting for her to contact us, if she does at all.
I feel betrayed by her. I put trust with her, thinking after what happened the last time, she would come to her senses and not try the same thing again. I felt that I could finally reason with her, and that things were moving forward in a positive direction. She was in the house with me on the day she ran away (this time) because I brought her to stay a night with us, because she requested to spend time at home with us once a week. But as it is, she has taken the first opportunity she got and immediately made a run for it and in the process, crumbling whatever trust I had for her. But course, I realize that being mentally ill, I cannot fully make her be responsible for her actions, but all notions of trust I had for her are now gone, and if ever we manage to get her safely back again, I will not be extending the same amount of privilege and trust anymore. When the home put CCTV surveillance cameras and grilled doors, my mother sounded her disapproval, and I agreed, but now I’m starting to think twice about it. I find it more and more difficult to try and reason with her or entertain her wishes and request because she has taken advantage of it with total disregard for the consequences of her actions to others.
Right now, I am emotionally stretched thin, weary and frustrated. I have no idea when or how we are going to get her back, or if we will ever get her back for the matter. I do not know what the best course of action concerning her welfare should be. To keep her in the home seems to torment her mind and an enormous financial burden on us, but surely staying alone up north, being all alone, mentally ill and at the mercy of strangers is no better. It is a choice between two evils. Just when you think things cant get any worse, the impossible happens.
Murphy’s Law: If there is a possibility of something going wrong, it will.
Sharing?
Im not sure why, but i tire easily nowadays. Maybe its my health thats been going down. Maybe its that im not getting enough rest. Maybe its because i walk around carrying a tonne of burden on my shoulders. I have been told (and know for a fact) that i dont share easily with others. Others say its hard for them to open up to people. Im not sure if i face the same problem. I know that i can open up to people if i wanted to, but alot of the times, i just dont want to. I do not share easily with people because there are not many people that i want to share my thoughts, worries, insecurities and burdens with. The reason being that i feel many of the people around me are more concern with themselves than with others. Naturally, people are more immersed in their own problems, and that being so, i often avoid opening up and sharing my problems, not because i do not want to trouble them, but because I doubt they will fully understand or be concerned about what i am telling them.
The lack of candidates for me to confide is also due to my mistrust of some. It is just so hard to find someone to tell something to and be assured that that piece of information will not be passed on to others. i have experienced that betrayal of trust before. I have since learnt that 9 out of 10 people WILL eventually at some point reveal things that they know perfectly well they arent supposed to. Maybe thats why i sometimes prefer to confide in friends who are not directly involved in my day to day activities, because they tend to listen and emphasize better, and not merely provide an open ear, and they can tell what they know to people around them with little consequence. If it was someone directly involved daily in my life, then rumours will start to circulate, and suddenly, others seem to know more about you then you know yourself.
I confess i have a problem sharing, but it is not because of lack of interpersonal skills or a dysfunctional character, but because i find it hard to find suitable people to share and confide in. Even someone that you have known for years and trust explicitly may be double dealing you. Good friends are hard to find as i have learnt the hard way.
For a better life
I struggle to find my footing sometimes. I feel lost and without direction. Dilemmas play out in my head. Problems that seem to have no simple solution present themselves to me and it seems the problem in my life have all started over again. (not that they have ever ended in the first place) Some problems have clear, simple solutions. But the solution, however simple, is not easy to achieve. I have since learnt that something simple doesn’t necessarily mean easy, vice versa. Our financial problem, for instance, is pretty straight forward. Problem: Lack of money. Solution: Find more money. Simple right? But surely enough, its not easy. With this problem, its frustrating, because you know what the solution is, and you know what direction and what steps to take, but the results are difficult to obtain. Its like knowing what medicine to use to cure a sickness, but unable to get your hands on it, no matter how hard you try. In the end, its just plain frustrating, because the solution is staring at you in front of your face, but you cannot reach it.
Then, there are problems, ambiguous in nature, complex and ever changing with no solution in sight. These problems often involve the heart more than physical needs. It is when faced with problems like these that people get overwhelmed. For instance, what would you do if you had to chose between taking care and being there for your highly dependent mother, whom you have not spent the last 10 years of your life with, OR going abroad and find work, and fulfill your life long ambition to make a better life for yourself and your family (mother included)? To stay would mean proper care and company for your mother, but at the same time, you’d probably just slip into mediocrity and not go too far in life (this is not guaranteed though) To go would mean for the next 5 years, you’d be unable to personally care for your mother, but with higher hopes of achieving a greater amount of success upon your return (which in the end would benefit all, but again not guaranteed)
I do not have to make this decision just yet, but already, it is a considerable part of my worries. My heart (again) is torn between choices that will affect all the people in my life. My conscience tells me that I have to take care of my mother. It is my responsibility and a burden I cannot pass on to others. To go would be selfish, leaving my mother alone once again. The fact that my mother looks forward so eagerly to the day we are reunited just makes it all the more difficult. But I know that if I went abroad, worked a few years and come back, it would make a world of difference in my life in the future. I have not the slightest doubt that whatever experiences I have to gain abroad, can only serve as leverage in my career.
It has always been my dream to visit another country, to stay and to live among different people, just for the experience since primary school. I have always looked with wonder and admiration people who lived abroad and came home. They seemed so different, probably because they have seen and learnt things unique in each country. Whatever they experienced during their years abroad, I wanted it too. I wanted to know how it feels like, wanted to see for myself the way others lived, and more valuably, to learn and experience a life different from what I know and see in Malaysia.
To make a better life for myself and the ones that i love. To make a better life for my children, my spouse and my parents from the one that we had to experience in the past.
LIFE is CRAp
What a time im going through now. Have you ever hear what people like to say about buses? That they never seem to show up, but when they do, they come all at once. Well, thats how it seems like for me now. The things that have happen around me have just all happen almost at the same time. It is just so strange that when things happen, they happen at the same time. Whats worse, its just so damn overwhelming having to face all this probs. I can really feel it affecting me. I smile and laugh less often, im more easily irritated, my patience is at an all time low and the only time i do not feel even a little miserable is when i'm asleep.
To briefly account what happened after my mother left, i went down to Pudu raya with my father to try to look for her, but to no success. With nothing left to do, we went home. It rained that night, and i was hoping so much that she was already on the bus back up north (that being the destination we guessed). I was so worried if she was still in KL, in the rain and on the streets. The next morning she called me to tell me that she is already in KL, but she needed the key to the house. I was angry yet curious to know how she managed amazingly travel 350km across the country with nothing but the clothes on her back. That night, i set out with my father to go up north to somehow persuade her to come back to KL, for the second time in a row in 2 weeks.
There are many things to say, but i'll just stick to the basic essential detailsWhen we arrived 5am in the morning, it was raining, and my mother was lying down on the floor on the cement floor. I was too angry to say anything so i held my tounge and opened the door. Inside, I told my mother the reasons she couldnt be there. I told her that she missed seeing my brother and I growing as teens, and if she stayed there, she'd be missing out on us as young adults too. Later, i found out from her that that statement pierced her very deeply as a mother, and that was what made her agree to come back. So barely an hour after arriving, we made the long trip back to KL.
It was also the first time that my father and mother have met since 10-12 years ago. Since their seperation, they never met and seldom spoke. To others, having their parents together in one place is the most natural thing, but not for me. Suddenly, i am looking at my father, AND my mother. Something i never expected to do again. We sent her back without incident.
My mother told me that one of the reasons she ran away was because she felt abandoned. We took all the trouble to bring her and put her in the home, yet didnt visit her. But she specifically said my brother didnt visit her. She felt abandoned. I was surprised when she told me my brother didnt come to see her for 2 weeks! She specifically requested that we go and see her at least 2 days once, or on alternate days.
The car my father borrowed from my uncle broke down last week, and the repairs cost RM1200, which we obviously didnt have. My brother forked out his savings, and we paid half of that amount and got the car. The home then chased my brother for this months payment for the home, which my brother no longer has. For that reason too, my brother has refused to go and see my mother. Which is also another problem.
He has been so 'busy' that he has not been going to see my mother, eventhough he too is living in PJ and has a car! I dont even have a car, and stay 30kms away, relying on public transport, still visit her twice a week. When my father and i ask her to go visit her, he gets all defensive, and says he's too busy, and that my mother is being too much and too demanding. I can almost blow my top just thinking about it.
Afterall, it was my brother who got all righteous on us, saying it is the right thing to do bringing her down to KL to take care of her, and we better do it before its too late. It was he that was the chief advocator, he who challenged my father and i when we presented him with some of the potential problems. His intentions might have been good, now he has totally left all responsibility expect financial ones to us. This is not the first time this has happened (read my previous blogs) and my brother has once again neglected his responsibilities , and still manage to portray and think that he is the noble and righteous one. He's too busy to drop by and visit her for half an hour, in PJ, where he lives, but is NOT too busy to go ALL THE WAY to Cheras to play badminton!! Shit him.
My dad is slumping into a grieving process/depression, since he moved in with us. He has been trying for 2 months to earn some income through this one investment company for which he is a sales consultant, but without success. The company pays consultants purely on a commision basis and has no base salary. Its been 2 months, day in day out my father makes calls, tries to get people to invest, but without any results. Needless to say, we are now officially broke. My dad is even weary of bringing potential clients out for lunch or meeting in far away places, due to cost. He's also depressed about his (apparently) failed marriage. 3 years ago, my father made a decision to leave his first malay wife, and stick with this second. But things didnt work out on the second on too, and now my father is bitter and resentfull because of the sacrifices that he had made over the years all come down to this.
Study wise, i have a strong feel that i have failed 2 subject in my previous semesters. i have started giving tuition to earn some money to survive. I now have to tend to my father and his depression, visit my mother as much as humanly possible to keep away her loneliness, spend enough time with my girlfriend so that she wont feel neglected, deal with my ego headed stubborn and self righteous brother, give tuition to survive, study to not fail my studies, try to make space for 5 (me,gf,bro, father, cousin) in my 2 room flat, and mind u, the 5 dont really get along well with each other, and to top it all, a dog to take care of, with shit and urine to be cleaned almost solely by me throughout the day. Oh, did i mention we are broke? :-)
All these are not even half of what i'm thinking of right now, but this will have to do. To say that these are bad times would be a gross understatement. Everwhere i go, i feel an invisible pressure on my shoulders, reminding me that things are not going well, and i have no idea how long its going to stay that way.
Mother: Part IV (Runaway mom!)
My life seems more like a drama series than real life. It seems I live a life as dramatic and bizarre as those soap opera you see on TV. 3 hours ago as I write this, I went to the A&W in Tmn Jaya with my mother for some lunch. Before that, we just went to make her spectacles. I left her at the table went to the counter to buy the food, 10 minutes later, I return with the food but with a missing mother. I immediately asked the staff there if they have seen where she went, but the staff where all at a blur, not noticing anything at all. So I went on a frantic search for her. I secretly hoped that I was wrong and that she just went to the toilet. But the other part of me knew that that was wishful thinking if nothing else. She left without any money, identification, or anything else for the matter in fact, just the cloths on her back. She already had a 10 minute head start so I immediately started looking for her. But I knew that she could have gone anywhere, left or right, front or back. If there is one thing about my mother I know, cashless and mentally ill she might be, but she definitely knew how to get things done if she put her head to it. I know that she must have borrowed some money from people and taken a bus away, to God knows where. I spent the next 2 hours going around the area from Asia Jaya to Universiti Hospital looking trying to spot her but without success.
To shed some light on the matter, I’ll have to go back to last week. I brought her up north to Sg Petani (where she had been living for all these years) to do some things with her bank account. It was a trip planned a month ahead and the 2 of us traveled by train and arrived there in the morning. We were sitting down having breakfast when she dropped her first bomb on us. She told me that since she’s all the way back here, she has decided that she doesn’t want to go back to the home anymore. She is already well and she wants to come back to work and live her own life. She said she cant stand the place anymore and that she wants to be respected and to live her own life the way she wants to without all the rules and regulations of the home. I felt cheated, used and manipulated because she deliberately waited until I brought her up north before she said any of these things. I never thought that my own mother would have been so manipulative of me. I tried persuading her, rationalizing with her, scolding her, bargaining with her, threatening her and whatever I could say too make her come back with me and not cheat me like that but she refused. At one point she just walked out on me and totally ignored my calls. She even attempted to run away while I was on the phone with my back turned. But I wasn’t about to give up, and after a few hours of talking, I persuaded her to at least come to KL and talk to my brother too, and if by the weekend she was still stubborn, we’d let her go.
When we finally got back to KL, my brother and I talked her into going back to the home and she went back reluctantly. But ever since that day, she has been more restless than ever, bothering the caretakers in the home, saying that she is already well and needs to go back to her place up north. When I left her to go and buy lunch, I never thought that she’d take the chance to run away, with absolutely nothing with her. Apparently, her freedom meant more to her than anything else including money, care, comfort or even the attention of her two children.
So now I’m left with a missing mother. Runaway mom. My father is at the final stages of what will be his third failed marriage, coming to stay with us in Wangsa Maju, bachelor once again. Things take one bizarre turn after another. I have no idea how all this is going to turn out, and how this drama of a life that I am living will work out if they really do. A part of me is so anger at my mother for what she did. Running away. I don’t know if I will be able to find it in my heart to forgive her. I feel sad that she would want to do that and not be with her children, instead choosing her own freedom. I feel cheated and not appreciated after all the pains that we went through to get her well and healthy again like she is now, until she is able to rebel and run away! A part of me wants to just disclaim her and deny ever having such a mother. But another part of me just cannot do it and still love her deeply as my mother. A part of is so full of hatred for the things that she has done. I don’t know what to do anymore or how to make things right. A part of me just wants to be selfish and not care anymore, and it would be easy to do, just living like I have no mother, after all, I have been without her for the past 10 years of my life. I am torn between emotions. I feel lost and helpless in this situation. Its bad enough not knowing how to feel, let alone knowing what to do.
Loving angels
"..and through it all she offers me protection a lot of love and affection whether I’m right or wrong and down the waterfall wherever it may take me I know that life wont break me when I come to call she wont forsake me I’m loving angels instead"That pretty much sums up how i feel about life sometimes. Every once in a while, i feel angry and outraged by the situation i'm in, thinking how unfair life is alot of times. But i guess deep down inside, i feel grateful for some of things that i have. On top of this list is of course my girlfriend. The amount of support and love that she has shown me throughout our 3 years plus together has been one of the few constant source of strength and inspiration to me. When times are bad, like now, im am touched to know just how much she is willing to give and sacrifice just to ease my suffering and to help in whatever way she can. It angers me knowing that there are people out there that dislike her, simply based on appearances, people that think lesser of her, just because she comes from a broken home. One particular person even went to the extent to sat that she may be a bad influence to me! A bad influence! An influence she has been to me, but it has been anything but bad.
I can say with the most certainty that my life has changed because of her. Since the day i met her 4 years ago, my life has never been the same. I know this for sure, because the person i am today is shaped by the experiences that i have been through, and without her, i would not have gained the experiences and hard learned lessons that i hold closely to my heart today. I feel for certain that i am more mature now than i would have been have i not met her. Can you seriously call that a bad influence? Being with her and growing together in our relationship, i have learned slowly and painfully, that life is about giving not taking and that love can only grow if it is shared. Many people go into a relationship with what they want in mind, and the kind of relationship they want. But after a while, i discover that thats not the way it works. The form a relationship takes depends on the commitment both have of each other, just how much both think of giving before taking.
This all my sound like pointless blabbering, but then thats on my mind now.
"....down the waterfall wherever it may take me I know that life wont break me. when I come to call she wont forsake me I’m loving angels instead."
The love that i have sometimes surprises even me. I never thought it possible to love and care for a peorson so much. To love someone else as much if not more that you love yourself. The feeling is a little to overwhelming sometimes, and its as if im literally loving an angel. Do you know how that feels? True love does not come suddenly. There is no 'love at first sight'. True love is grown, nurtured over time. I'm glad i've learnt that at an eary age.
If i needed proof of God's presence and care in my life, i guess she is the answer.
