Forthnights

There and back again.... by Frodo Baggins.... ok.. not really......

There she goes……..

She left the house on Sunday. That night, I stayed up late, didn’t sleep actually. I burnt the midnight oil, doing my long overdue thesis. By 5a.m. I was exhausted, and crashed into bed.

8a.m. in the morning, I receive a call from an unknown number; turned out to be her. She had arrived up north and was now in a cousins house. I was still angry at her, and didn’t want to say much. From the sound of it, she wasn’t really welcomed there any more. She said to me that my brother had instructed me to go pick her up from the bus station when she came down. I was annoyed. Did my brother really say that? If he did, why didn’t he tell me directly? And what made him think I was even willing to pick her up? She said she might come back within these 2 days. I told her to talk to my brother, I didn’t want to deal with it. I told her to only inform me when she knows when she is coming back.

So I spent the rest of the morning doing my work, finally feeling productive for a change. In fact, I did more work in that one night and morning than I did the entire week she was here. Though I did feel worried, at least I knew she was alright, and I had time to myself for a change.

My father came by in the afternoon, and I spoke to him. I told him how I didn’t like the way my brother has been acting. He said one thing, but did another, and he has not shown to me his commitment in taking care of her. Instead, he sulks and screams when my father and I don’t be nice to her. I said I understand his concern about being nice to her. But try being in my shoes dealing with her day in and day out and lets see how you fare. I didn’t like the fact that my brother always claimed moral righteousness over us all. As if w all lack the kind of understanding and morality he has. I said it was hypocritical of him. Just look at how he treats his dog. He beats the hell out of the poor dog when it does something wrong, but barely an hour later, he tries to kiss and hug the dog, and when the dog refuses, he forces it, or he gets angry again. No wonder the dog is confused!

My father said to me that he was worried about my brother. In his observation, my brother was emotional. Too emotional, and soft. My brother is not someone who can handle complicated matter. In all that he does, he strives for a simple answer, he tries to make life as simple and as harmonious as he can. We both agreed that my brother is an idealist. I consider myself a realist and whenever my brother goes on and on about the ‘perfect’ family that he envisions, ‘just like last time’, I just roll my eyes and keep quite. Sorry, but I don’t think those times will ever come again. The fact is, according to my father, my brother doesn’t know what to do either. He doesn’t know how to handle my mother. He is just putting up a brave front, and he insist that we all talk nicely and be polite, to give it the illusion that everything is fine and dandy. That is why he rather shout at me for arguing with my mother, accusing me of making things worse, than actually doing something about my mothers condition, like sending her to a hospital. He choosing to just let her go is trying let the problem solve itself. It might work for now. But for how long? What happens when the next relapse comes? Don’t say you hope it doesn’t, IT WILL.

My father said my brother needed something to hold on to. If not he would break. He said we must not challenge his when he tries to be idealistic and righteous, because if you break that and take it away from him, he has nothing to anchor to. Well, I understand his concern. He’s worried that my brother will break and become ill too. Its not that remote a possibility. My mothers family has a history of mental illness, and we are her children. I am as at risk to mental illness as he is. He predicted that if my mother stayed with my brother, he would continue to be nice to her, until such time when he cant take it anymore, then he would start to turn aggressive. “And that is when we have to step in. We have to watch him very carefully.” In the mean time, I am just fuming at my brothers lack of willingness to take her in.

I felt a little guilty and relieved at the same time. I was finally able to do the things I needed to do wholehearted without any distractions, but it was short lived….

There she is again………..

Then, I get a call from her at 4p.m. saying that she was back in KL. She asked me if I was able to pick her up. I told her no, since I was in college, busy. I told her to go back on her own. It was just as well, since I wasn’t ready to pick her up anyway. I informed my brother about the matter. He asked me to just put up with her for the time being until he has something planned out. He was busy at the moment. He said to me not to bother her, just let her do her own thing. I said the problem is not me leaving her alone. I can leave her alone. I can even leave her totally alone, and just be away all the time. The problem is that she wont leave ME alone.

When I came back, she was back too. But she looked more settled somewhat. I don’t know, maybe it was just an itch waiting to be scratched. And not that its gone, she settles down. As promised, I left her alone. I didn’t ask her where she went, I didn’t ask why she came back so soon, or anything at all. Later I spoke to my brother again. He told me earlier that he would take her within the week. I asked him when, but he wasn’t ready to give me any answer. He said he was busy now during the week, maybe closer to the weekend. The weekend? That beats the point doesn’t it? Did I not say that this 2 weeks were critical to me? If you take her this Friday, you might as well not take her, because my work is due Saturday. He had the cheek to tell me to just don’t bother about her. EXCUSE ME, you are supposed to take her to your place. You said so yourself. Now, you backtrack on your words and offer me advice on how to ignore her and get on with my work?

All he was willing to say was he will take her by the week. If I can, please try to just put up with her, after all, she’s really ok…..

Yeah right.

Under his orders, I gave my mother half her medication to take on her own. Now that she’s back, she has her medicine with her still. You ask me to leave her alone, fine, I’ll leave her alone. I wont bother about her, I wont supervise her medication, I wont make her eat her it, I wont buy dinner or lunch for her, I wont do anything. The whole purpose of him taking her there was for him to do all these duties I have been doing. I meant it when I said I cant afford to deal with her right now.

But we live in the real world. As much as I try to leave her alone, to not be bothered by her, it just doesn’t work that way. Only in my brothers imaginary world. She still comes to my room, babbling all sorts of nonsense, even when I totally ignore her and continue what I am doing on the computer. She walks around the house in her panties, and when I scolded her, she turns around and says that its ok, since she’s my mother. You call that ok?

You seriously tell me to just ignore her and make as if she’s not there. Let her be, do your own things. The only time I can do that is when she is REALLY not there.

It amazes me. Despite the ruckus I have been making to my brother and father about the matter, despite me expressing repeatedly that I am at the end of my energies, that this time is of the essence to me, my brother STILL has not shown his commitment in helping me out. He is still trying to salvage something, trying to push for me to just accept things as they are, and put up with it, so that he doesn’t have to.

And here I am again…. Back to square one….

posted by Compulsive Blogger @ 9:56 pm Comments: 1