Forthnights

As moments pass you by

How time flies when you are not paying attention. How quick moments pass you by even before you even get the chance to soak it all up. How rapid the current of time flows when we struggle to find our footing. I find it so hard to believe that its been 3 years since i entered college. Back then, i was the freshman, green and untested. I knew nothing of this strange place, i was terried of all the mandarin speaking folks, and i wondered just how i would fare in all of it. Added with the constant headache that i suffer back home in my family life, i didnt approach college quite like i did in secondary school.

Back in secondary school, i was more positive, more excited about things. I felt that i had potential and this was my time to shine. Every day in school was a different adventure, a different exciting episode in my new found life, after spending my primary school years living in fear and guilt over my mother. Secondary school was the place that i would finally gain some permanance. I started doing well in school, started to do public speaking and debates, started to get involved in extra-curricular activities, projects, sports. I was the unofficial, defacto leader of my group of friends. I took my fathers advice to heart when he told me to enjoy those years fully. I left secondary school feel good about myself. I felt that college would be the natural progression of my current momentum.

But then, after entering college things didnt quite go as well as i hoped for. I didnt have much friends, mainly due to my attitude towards the mandarin speaking world. I wasnt fluent at it, and as a result, i didnt interact much with my classmates. Plus, there were some reallly really heavy, life changing issues that i was dealing with back at home (which i will refrain from mentioning here). By the end of my 1st year, i didnt have much friends. Most of my classmates had click of their own. It wasnt until the second year did i start warming up to some of these people and my mandarin slowly improved from 'couldnt speak to save your life' to 'still pathetic but coherent enough to understand'.

I didnt do as well in college. I wasnt top of class anymore, my grades became average and since i didnt participate in much activities, my self confidence took a nose dive. I dont like what i have became now. Though on the exterior i seem just find, deep inside, i feel low of myself. Something i have confided to only a small handfull of people. Though i could compare myself to those whos achivements are even lesser, its useless. Yes, i have a small edge over the rest of the unexposed, non-enlightened people, but if you look at the people who make a difference, im miles behind.

That is why in my third year, i wanted to get involved and make a difference, or make a mark here in college before i left. BUt alas, i failed my my little public speaking bid. And intially, i was ready to give it all up, and decided i dont want to do speeches anymore, i dont want to do any of these things anymore. I felt dissapointed with myself and doubting my ability. I doubted if i should ever attempt it again because i may not be suited for it, even though deep down i know i am passionate about it. Then something happened.

Nothing special, nothing spectacular. In fact, something just so simple as a phone call. On the day of the STAR-HSBC workshop, which i decided not to go, i called a friend that was there. Im not sure why i did that. BUt the moment that friend answered to phone, and we started talking, i knew where i should have been. A light somehow switched on in my head. Things strangely fell back into place again to me on that day. I should be there at that workshop, i want to be at that workshop, i would have enjoyed it and remembered it for years to come. But there i was stuck in some factory instead doing industrial training instead.

Suddenly, there wasnt any doubt in my heart left. I was at the factory because it was my responsibility. But i knew now where my heart lied. It was with what i was passionate about. I realised that it didint matter at all that i didnt win that competition. I realised that despite what i felt a few months ago about wanting to give up, i still was very much passionate about public speaking, and mixing with people of the same interest, even though i may not be that good at it. It didnt matter anymore if i am good or bad at it, but that i am passionate about it. I spend that whole day thinking about being there at that workshop even though physically i was somewhere else. I did as my friend said "Just imagine you're there with us lo"

Is so strange how it came to me just so suddenly. I guess when i made that call and started talking, i started asking myself why am i calling. Is it because i want to speak to my friend? Is it because i want to say hie? Is it because i wanted to send my regards? Yes, it was. But there was a deeper reason. I called because i wanted to be there. I wanted to be there among those friends and people. I wanted to feel the pressure, the anxiety, the excitement, and the bond that fellow speakers subtly form among each other.

How time flies when you are not paying attention.
How quick moments pass you by even before you even get the chance to soak it all up.
How rapid the current of time flows when we struggle to find our footing

Only now have i found my footing again. Only now have i soaked up that experience, only now am i paying attention. But the moments have passed me by, and all i am left with is memories of what happened and the people who made me feel how i felt.

posted by Compulsive Blogger @ 10:03 pm Comments: 0