Forthnights

In moments like these

I sat there in the car, doing nothing. I didn’t want to go back home just yet, wanting to escape the stress just for a while longer. I laid back, turned up the volume of my cd player, closed my eyes and just immersed myself in my own thoughts. I’m not sure why, but I felt calm, but sad. There is a lot I want to get off my chest, yet I cannot find the words to describe what I feel. As I listened to the songs, the same songs that have accompanied me since I was 15, I felt amazed at just how clearly the words and tune of the songs bring out our emotions. How crystal it becomes when the words and melody just seem to rhyme in harmony with what you feel inside. I’m not much of a music lover, but at that point, at that moment, I loved that music. Not for it sounding nice, but because the words and the melody crystallized to me the things and the feelings that I had hidden deep inside, which otherwise would remain hidden. I felt like talking to someone, just to get things off my chest, but since no one was available, I had to settle for some quiet time alone, and listening to the right songs at the right time certainly helps.

I just sat there, listening to the music for about an hour, soaking up every melody every tune, every word, every rhyme, thinking about all the tears, the anger, the sadness, the guilt, the shame, the joy, the jubilation, joy, and laughs that I have gone through the pass few years.

I still remember so clearly the ache I felt in my heart a few years ago, thinking about my mother. I sat in the living room, while everyone was asleep, silently shedding tears of guilt and shame for not taking better care of her. I felt so horrible, it seemed to me as if my heart was really aching. I dared not tell anyone or show anyone that I was grieving deep down inside about my mom, or about what had happen in my life. I could not share with anyone the deep dark secret that I had kept so well hidden. Even today, I have not told anyone about that skeleton I have, hidden deep within my closet. Everyone has their secrets, and so do I. I have not found anyone I can talk to honestly and plainly about how I feel about the matter, why I did it, what I was thinking. I know I will be judged by it, criticized and condemned for it, and I would deserve it and that is the very reason I haven’t told a soul. I feel so ashamed about it, I cannot bring myself to tell anyone about it, all the more share how I feel. Maybe someday, someone…… if I find the right person that would listen without judgment.

Then, there was the electrifying feeling I felt surging through from my hand, to my head and all the way down to my toes when I first held the hand of my girlfriend. Actually, it was very cheeky of me to do it, because, technically we weren’t a couple, and she had a boyfriend, and it was our second time meeting only! But there we were sitting on the grass in KLCC Park, and the park patrol asked us to move, no sitting on the grass. At that moment, all rational, logic and cool gave way to this crazy uncontrollable urge to have skin contact with her. I don’t know what got into me, but at that moment, my brain stopped working and my body had a mind of its own. I reached out, held her hand, and led her away to another spot, and she let me. I only held her hand for a few seconds, but it felt like an eternity and my heart was jumping up and down, and I was mentally screaming my lunges out for doing it. I was sweating cold sweat by the time I let her hand go, and my hands were kind of shivering from it. Its crazy, but when you are just a 17 year old boy, it takes A LOT of guts to do anything in front or too a girl you really like. That magical surge of electricity I felt down my spine while hodling her But I guess forbidden fruit always taste the sweetest eh? Hehehe… so don’t get me started on my first kiss ok.


Spending quiet time, just thinking and reflecting, I went through a quandary of just how I really felt about my life. My life hasn’t been an easy one. Even now, I still face problems and challenges at home and outside that seem to never end. I feel so frustrated over my mothers mental illness, our financial state, my exam results, my constant arguments with my girlfriend, my lack of self-esteem and self worth. But on the other hand, my life is not too bad compared to others. Some go through worse things and turn out better than I have. Looking at them, I feel almost lucky, but I realize just how selfish and self-centered I become in feeling sorry for myself. Yet, the feeling lingers. Our memories fade with time. There are some memories, too sweet that I don’t want to forget; some memories, so hurtful, so significant, they too become too important to forget. I don’t want to forget them, so I try to write them down. These memories are the things that shape us and define our life. To forget them, is to be missing a few important chapters in our lives. And so we remember them, by hearing a song, watching a movie, visiting a place, reading a poem or in this case, reading a blog, Because if there is anything worth in this small little blog of mine, it is definitely the memories of the feelings that I went through. Happy memories my friend

posted by Compulsive Blogger @ 3:06 pm Comments: 0