Forthnights

Ugly & Idiot

It seems so easy to feel isolated from the world and lonely. I feel it sometimes, when i am walking on the street or sitting on a bus. There is noise and commotion all around me, but inside there is only silence. It’s hard to explain what this silence is only that I feel lonely and at a lost. I wonder how the people around me would react if I were suddenly gone one day. Not that I think nobody cares about me, only that I wished that I mean more to people than I do now. The world would still function without me, that I do not doubt. There are some people who never seem to run out of friends, and all their friends adore them and like them. They are the ones that seem to socialize effortlessly and have an endless supply of energy. They are always very charming, fun to be around and people are always happy being around them and laugh a lot.
I myself am very fond of friends like these. But while their star shines so brightly, it outshines the rest of us and make us all feel wanting, lacking in a certain area. I ask myself, “How come I can’t be more outgoing? Why am I not that fun a guy to be around?” You would have read the same questions in my previous blog. As you can see, it’s doing ‘wonders’ to my self esteem. I used to be quite confident of myself, trusting that I would not be judged by my looks. I would strike up conversations with guy or girl without worrying about what the person might think of me. I was confident (or ignorant) and was not concerned about being called ‘fatty’ or ‘squinty eyes’. I believed in myself and never shied away from meeting people. Although I have been fat since I was in Primary 3, I didn’t let my physical shortcomings get to me. I now wonder if I was being truly confident or just plain ignorant to things.
As I move up in age, I began to see that looks DO matter. People who dress smartly are taken more seriously, people who look fitter and are more outspoken are given better attention with better reviews. Those overweight and on the quiet side (if they are women) are labeled ‘pork chops’ or ‘Chuee Pha’. They guys are always made fun of. “Fatty, Fei chai (as I have been called) “and many other names. In the romance department, it’s always the ‘leng chai’ that get the girl and all the girls ogle over them, vice versa. So as you can see, my confidence came swirling down like a crashing plane, although I put up a brave face. Girls these days are much more demanding, always wanting either a hunk, a cad, a metrosexual, a macho man, a guy with a ‘hot body’ or a guy with a beemer! Although I am with someone right now, that thankfully loves me for who and what I am, I shiver at the thought of trying to find a suitable girl now with all these standards. I’d be half the time worrying if I am hunkier enough or dress nicely enough or well groomed enough. As you can see, it’s no longer a one way street in the dating game where the women always try to doll up for the men. These days, the men doll up more than the women!
I console myself, believing that there are still girls like my darling who can genuinely love a guy with neither cash nor car nor credit card nor condominium that come along with the package. But the more I see the wide wide world, the lesser consoled I am. A female friend said to me “I can’t stand it if my boyfriend doesn’t know how to dress up.” To me, that is a scary thought. I don’t know how to dress up.
I am not a good looking guy, not well built (overweighed in fact), have a weird face, I hate my neck and have a pot belly (that’s the worst part) and have cheek bones that are too high and squinty eyes!!!! So what is there left about me that can possible be attractive to the opposite sex? Answer = NOTHING. Charisma? Yeah right… charm? The only thing I could charm would be a toad. Humour? Sorry, the humour part of my brain was removed long time ago. A sex god in bed? …… yeah right, that will be the day. Confidence? Read the above paragraph. So you see, I’m left with pretty much nothing. Why my darling would find me attractive or worth her time, beats me, but I am honoured by her love. Well, I’m not sure what my point is, I can’t even write properly like I used to!
To wrap it up, I would like to say that, just like everyone else, I want to be someone else, or a better version of me. I long everyday to be more charming, confident, hunkier, blah blah blah… Life is a journey, not a destination. Enjoy the view while you can, but right now, the view isn’t so great.
So that’s it. If you read this (yes you), for goodness sake, please give a comment! And leave a contact! Thanx…

posted by Compulsive Blogger @ 9:32 pm Comments: 0