All about nothing
Ive been reading through some of the blogs that have been getting lots of publicity lately, and i must say, " Man, this is tough!" I mean, i read some of these blogs and i go "Wow! i wish i could write like that." But if i did, then i would have an steady readership and a group of fans, as opposed to now.. when i think just about the only person reading my blogs is me. but no worry, i soldier on none the les.. I guess the most difficult thing to do is to decide what exactly to blog about. Most of the good blogs i read are very sanguine or melancholic and very in your face...Unlike some, i cant easily bear my heart and soul out in the great world wide web so easily. For a person as phlegmatic as me, i find it hard to be candid and interesting and coherent all at the same time. In fact, its hard for me to bear my heart and soul.. full stop. it often takes something that stirs my emotions strongly to make me sit down and write pages of anything. I sometimes wonder if i theres something wrong with me. I feel that at times, i seem to be cold, or that i do not react as strongly to the things around me. Maybe its a defence mechanism that i unknowingly developed, growing up with a messed up family and the things that i had to go through. If i hadn't developed a way of controlling my emotions or shutting them out, i think i would have gone crazy. I see that this mechanism is deeply rooted in me, to protect me from emotional harm and acting as a damp for what traunma that may come. But it is also thing that i feel is preventing me from feeling to the fullest and being really joyous or sad to the maximum.
But reading some of the blogs, gives me a few ideas. Of course, i dont want to be imitating anyone. I think ill just continue, try to blog as much as i can and practice expressing myself. i find it hard to belive, but the people closets to me tell me that most of the time, they dont know how i feel about things. I keep my feelings to myself. Friends whom i know for years dont know many things about me, not because i hide it from them, but because i have never told them. I unknowingly steer conversations away from my personal details. Stupidly enough, i sometimes wish someone shown genuine interest in me instead and wished they'd ask me more so that i can share. But i get turned off, because i can see that they aren't interesed. The most interesting subject in the world is Me, Myself, and I. Just look at thing article, and count how many i's are there.... see what "I" mean?
But you cant blame anyone from being self centered. Its just the way things are. I think about my friends, and i wonder why they dont call. But the answer is is simple. They dont call you because theres nothing they want from you. Whether its material, or emotional or anything for the matter. Friendship sometimes only last when there is mutual benefit on both ends. Depressing huh? I heard somewhere, people change their friends every 5 years on average.
How true it is sometimes. You start to wonder is there a friendship that can last? Or is it all just a marriage of convenience? How do you measure the depth of your friendship and how long it will last and what it means to both parties when it is all so intangible? How do you decide when all our human emotions are so volatile? We change with every whim and fancy that we come across.... so what in the world do we do?
Anyway,signing off
posted by Compulsive Blogger @ 11:06 pm
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