More grumbling
Aaaaaargh... .life is just so frustrating sometimes... actually alot of times....
For everyone to know, the 31st of August is Malaysian Independance day.. we are now 49 years old as a country..... ANd on the 30th of August was my girlfriends birthday. Its bad enough being broke, but not having money to even buy a simple present is really horrible. During my birthday last month, my girlfriend throwed a small birthday bash for me, but when her turn came, sad to say, i couldnt do anything, since my pockets were empty. As consolation, apart from the 'romantic' letter you see on the previous post, i attempted to write her a little poem. Afterall, words are free! (CHeapskate!) But i was kind of embarrased to give her to poem that i printed out (since my writing is horrible), coz of the obvious lack of depth or artistic flair int the poem. The more i read it, the more corny it sounded to me..... .But i gave it to her none the less.....
Well.. sbe was happy to receive it anyway, but it wasnt long before we were just fighting again. SOmething we have been doing alot lately. Despite my best efforts, we just keep on stepping on each others toes. And most arguements evolve around my family..... She just refuses to interact with my mother or my brother. When my mother cooked dinner and offered her and i some,she refused to eat, saying the food looks horrible. i insisted that i want to eat at home (to save money) and she just got angry. Earlier, before my mother offered, she and i agreed to go out for dinner. I told her i would just accompany her, and we were silent for the rest of the day, her weay of showing her temper and trying to control it at the same time. When we got to the eating place, she said that she will not eat unless i ate.... I got angry and said "Fine, ill order something." And from then on till i sent her back, we didnt say a word. I wasnt happy. since 1, by refusing to eat my mothers cooking, she was being rude and disrespectful,and 2, eating out cost more.
But i know she doenst consider these things. She has always been very stubborn, showing her temper whenever she was upset. To her, whatever she does or say when she is angry is justifiable since i got her mad at the time. Its almost like its my fault.. When she gets angry, its my duty to go and console her and get her to cool down. When i get angry, im being short tempered and unreasonable. And its up to me to calm myself down. I cant stand the obvious double standard. And when i just refuse to go console her and let her be, she turns around and says that i dont know how to treat a woman... Aaaarrgghh...
As you can see, im just plain frustrated. I really should be studying now, since exams are next week, but i just reallly need to vent it all out. She even says that in the future, she doenst want my mother to stay with us.
Sometimes, i just cant help but feel dissapointed in her. After all this time, she too doesnt not see my family as her own. She said that my family dont treat her like one of them, but neither does she. It hurts when she chooses to draw lines like that. To her, the relationship is between the 2 of us, and she doesnt want to put up with my mother. To be fair to her, my family hasnt been to accepting of her either. it saddens me to see her treat other elderly patients in the hospital so well (shes a student nurse) but fail to show the same kind of compassion or patience with my mother. I have tried telling her that if she is serious about being with me, my mother is in a way, her mother too... I mean, i tutor her brother and talk to her brother how i talk to my own brother. I only hoped she does the same. I try telling the same thing to my mother, but she wont take it either.
I guess you can take the horse to the river, but you cant make it drink. Right now, i know my family are a little hostile towards her. My mother really topped it off when she labeled me a slave for my girlfriend, sending her everywhere and doing everything for her. She too is showing a sort of 'passive' aggresion by not wanting to talk to them or taking their things.
im at a lost how to many them anymore. I read somewhere... An old Chinese proverb that said a peaceful and harmonious home can be happy, even if there is not enough money to go around. When i read that i was like "Well, thats just great. No money, no peaece, no harmony." Its little wonder im so unhappy.
A breakthoough.... Thats what i need. To break free from this whole rotten trap im in.
A letter to my Girlfriend
This is a personal letter i wrote to my girlfriend. Its crazy of me to publish it here, since its so personal, and she'd kill me if she knew. But what the heck, i have nothing to hide here.
Dear,
Its been such a long time since I last wrote a letter to you. It seems almost like yesterday that you and I were just starting out, lovey dovey and all, but in reality, its been almost half a decade.
I know that I am no longer the same as I was when we just started out. You used to praise me all the time for being very patient with you, but you don’t anymore, simply because I am no longer as patient as I used to be. I honestly don’t know if I can ever be as patient as I used to be again, though I strongly doubt it. In that sense, I feel as if I have taken a step backward in my strength of character. I remember always trying to encourage you to improve as a person, keep on telling you to be proud of yourself, but in the end, I feel that while you have taken leaps and bounds in your character, I have slide backwards.
Maybe its all the stress at home, and the trauma of facing problems In my family that has eroded my confidence and sense of self. When I left secondary school, I felt invincible. You could throw anything at me, and I would not shy away. But having to go through things like having absolutely no money, or seeing my own mother loose all sense of self and sanity, have seeing you shed tears in front of me due to the pain I cause you, I have lost a lot of my former self. I can feel in my heart that I am a much more introverted person than I was when we first met. Maybe it’s a defense mechanism. These days, I doubt myself a lot. My sense of worth is not much anymore. In many ways, I feel as if I have failed; As a son to my father and mother, as a brother, and as a loving and caring partner to you. While I used to take pride in doing all that I can, always to the best of my abilities, I dare not claim the same anymore. Though I have friends, I feel as if there is no one I can talk to, because there is no one that would understand, no one that would listen. Even then, there are many things that I feel in my heart, that I just have no way of expressing through words. As hard as I try, there seem no words that are able to justly convey my feelings. That’s why sometimes, I just hold you hand and say “I love you.” In hopes that through some miracle, you would understand.
You have been the most constant pillar of strength to me ever since we met. Through thick and thin, you have stood by my side. Seeing the best and the worst of me, you still tell me you love me every single night before I go to sleep. At times when we fight, and you say you want out, I feel tempted to just say “Fine, go ahead.” But I have never allowed it because deep in my heart, I know I love you deeply, I know I care for you with all my heart and I know I need you desperately. I have never said it out loud, because it leaves me so exposed and vulnerable, but that is the truth dear, I need you in my life, and there is nothing that will make me let you go.
Many years ago, I remember telling you “Love is more that just a feeling, it’s a deliberate act.” I am guilty. Guilty of not loving you the way you deserve. Though I say “I love you.” Every day, I have not shown love to you the way I used to, what more the way you deserved to be loved. Instead, I have taken you for granted. Instead of concentrating on giving, I have turned selfish; demanding that you give and sacrifice in the name of our love. In its purest form, love means giving without asking in return. Though I say it, I have not practiced it. For that, I have no excuse, I have no lone of defense.
Things have been very difficult for me, especially the past year. But I will no longer take that as an excuse for my actions and mistakes. I am writing this letter because I want you to know that though I have fallen and stumbled, I intend to rise again. I will try my best to change; to be a better man, to love you with all my heart, in action not just in words, to be a better son, a better brother and a better friend. I know I may fall again despite my determination. Thus I pray to God, that he may give me the strength to get up again and persevere each and every time I fall. I will always keep my intention to be better in the future, but I hope that you can accept me for the horrible person that I am today. You appearance in my life is more that coincidence. In a way, you are an angel, sent from God to me for some purpose. What that purpose is I might never know. But I DO know that you have been God’s blessing to me in so many ways; a lover, a teacher, a sister and mostly, a friend. Thank you for loving me dear. I love you so much.
Love
Me
Headaches and Specs
For almost an entire month now, I have been walking around as if everything is just a blur to me. Maybe you might think im just no paying enough attention to my surroundings, but in fact, I have been walking walking that way because, well, things ARE a blur to me. You see, i lost my spectacles (again) some while ago.
I clipped it on my shirt, and 10 minutes later, its missing. Yeah, i know, its my carelessness again. If i had taken good care of it, it would not have been missing. But to my defense, let me just say firstly, that that spectacle was actually nearing the end of its life. The power on the lenses were not enough anymore, and the paint around the frame was already all chipped off. Secondly, my girlfriend and friends have been telling me for months to get a new pair. (I dont wear contacts, by the way. Just cant stand sticking someting into my eye everyday). I said no because, honestly i wasnt willing to spend what little money i had on getting a new pair of specs, since for my old one was still no broken or anything, just a little worn out.
When i lost my specs and told my friends, they said "Its about time for you to get a new specs anyway. You see, even fate is asking you to get a new one, not just us." But that was 1 month ago, and im still relying on my own to eyes still. My friends ask me why i have not bought a new pair yet. I have been copying notes during the lecture from my friends since i cant see the board clearly! I just smile and say "Not yet la... lazy to go and do." Well, half true actually.
I AM a little lazy to go get a new one. Dont think i dont want to. Because i have some astigmatism in my eyes, i get a headhache when i dont wear spectacles. Especially when im facing a monitor (like now) or when i've been doin a lot of reading (like exam times now). So o have been having headaches almost everyday for almost a month now.
WHen telling my friends, i left out the 'no money' part. Coz, really, the reason i have not got a new pair is because if i got a new pair, i'd have to eat bread crumbs for the rest of the month (not literally of course). Its embarrasing to say to friends "I dont have enough money to get a new pair." Especially when they are sharing with you how great their new top-of-the-line Nokia phone is.
"I got it at a real bargain, RM1100. When are you going to join us and get YOURSELF a smartphone? I've been telling for months! Then we can bluetooth each other."
HmmMm.... Im not sure if you've ever been in that kind of a situation, but one half of you takes a real beating from it. "Im poor." you think to yourself. BUt the other half of you just stands up in defiance, refusing to submit to the humiliation of having no money. "I dont need it, and neither do you really. You spend money without knowing its real value. You dont realise that the money you so easily get and spend every month would mean the difference between going to be hungry or not to someone." Of course, i didnt say that out loud, just thinking it!
Anyway, back to my specs. I hope to make one as soon as i have enough cash to do so. Especially with my exams coming up. The headaches are getting to me, since i cant concentrate long on something before getting a headache.
On other matters, my mom is doing 'fine' i guess. She's physically ok, but mentally just at the border. She can take care of herself well enough, but still being very difficult, so my statues quo with her remains. Sunday morning, i received a call from a concered friend. He told me he saw my mother walking about in the shops, looking not too alright. I knew she just went out to the morning market but thanked him nonetheless. I understand how he could think there was something wrong with her. It would take you just one look to know that there is something different with my mother. Everywhere i go with her, i get stares from people passing by. Its not surprising. SHe twitches her mouth alot, her hands are a little stiff, and she always touches her blinking eyes and her lips. I guess most of it is the side effects of the medicine, and some of it just sticked with her, even when she's not on the medicine. Other than that, she has pretty much been ok. I have given her a free hand to do as she pleases as long as she doesnt get in trouble. Other than that, i dont talk much to her,and she mainly reserves her conversations for my brother.
Whats in a name?
Lets name the planets in our solar systems,
Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus and Neptune and the last but not the least Pluto! Oh wait... that right, Pluto isnt a 'real' planet anymore.
Just in case you havent heard, Pluto is officially NOT a planet anymore, not even a dwarf one. It really tells you something about our false sense of security when even something as celestial as Pluto can be 'demoted' of its title. To many of us, Pluto will always be that smallest, coldest and furthest rebel of a planet in our little system. No matter what the text books or the astronomers say, we cant help but still think of it as a planet. But to those growing up now, minds still fresh like lettuce ready to soak up knowledge like a sponge, they wont think it is anymore. When we are old and greying, no matter how hard we try they will say "YES grandpa, i believe you. OF COURSE Pluto is a planet." with eyes rolling, thinking "Alzheimers...."
We will always think Pluto is a planet because thats what we have been told almost all our life. We have accepted in, taken it as a never changing fact, like how the sun always rises in the east. Our young will think we are wrong because they were told something else, Pluto is not a planet and the sun rises in the west, if ever they decided the north pole wasnt north anymore.
The point Im trying to come to, but not making a good job of is, to a certain extent, we are what we name ourselves to be. Call yourself a planet long and often enough, people will start to treat you like one, give you your due respect, even if you are just a dwarf, planet. But the moment you let that go, people go "Oh, Pluto, yes, that comet circling the earth." The feelings concerning the subject are different because we call it something else, something lesser.
Its easy to label the people around us, and also easy to label ourselves things. How does that old lady washing dishes in the diner sound? What about that widowed mother of 4 trying to make ends meet? How you name people reflects how you see things and how others in turn see things. Whats in a name some ask. A rose is a rose by any other name Shakespeare might say. You know the Bougainvillea flower? I bet you'd see it in new light once you know the Malay word for it is
Bunga Tahi Ayam which literally means Chicken Shit Flower. I kid you not.
So whether you call it Bougainvillea or Bunga Tahi Ayam really affects how you and others form your impressions. SOOO... the point im trying to make here is, give nice names to the people and things around you. More importantly, give YOURSELF good names. This applies to everyone, but i want to emplasize with the ladies. I know many women (almost all i know) think they arent beautiful enough. You might feel so, but stop saying "Look at my giant elephantitis thighs." It makes you feel worse, and God forbid, someone might actually say "I agree with you." Say "My large mascular thighs.".... and people will say "I'd hate to get in your way."
When you degrade yourself in name, you erode your confidence further. When you call yourself fat, stupid, ugly, stubborn, useless, people might turn at you and think "Maybe you are right." Afterall, who better to judge you than yourself? But when you say you are strong headed, unique or smart, people MIGHT just say "Maybe you are right."
Back to Pluto, i cant help but feel the future generations wont quite see Pluto the same as we do. To them, it is just another celestial body that orbits the sun. It wont be one of the BIG 9 (or 8 in this new case). It probably wont even be worth remembering. But to us, in was important enough to be printed in books, to be memorized, and to be studied and photographed. There was more respet given because a PLANET had a special status than other bodies.
But when you think about it carefully, the difference is only in a name. That name is more powerful than we realise, and im glad to say, we are do different.
Confidence
It didn’t occur to me until my girlfriend. As we were saying goodnight over the phone, she said to me “Don’t be upset anymore ok. When you see me, smile, just like you used to.” I asked her what she meant. “Weren’t we just laughing a minute ago?” She told me for the past few months, since all of this started; I have laughed and smiled a lot less than I usually would. “We hardly go out anymore.” She told me. Yes, we don’t go out anymore because I can’t afford it, but I know in a way, we don’t go out anymore because I don’t feel like it anymore.
Its funny really, whenever my friends go out together to Bukit Bintang (that’s a popular shopping district here in KL), they seldom if ever call me out. For some reason, they know my answer would be NO. I have never been the type to go out window shopping. Bring me to a shopping mall and I’ll only want to go 2 places; Camera shop to ogle at the latest DSLR and the bookstore to read till my hearts content.
Back to my original topic, I guess when she told me I smile a lot less nowadays, it really reflected on what has been happening to me of late. In the past, I have always been type to hide how I feel inside. With my friends, they cant really guess what’s going on in my heart. You can guess my mind, but you cant guess my heart. Only when I open up and relate how I feel and what I have been through do people really see me for what I am. They say to me “I didn’t realize you have been through all of this. You don’t seem the type to come from a family with a history.” Maybe people expect those coming from broken homes to be useless bums, chain smokers, inarticulate and rowdy. For some strange reason, some also seem to think I come from a well off family (how ironic). A friend of mine asked me where I parked my car, as we were going home. I told him I don’t have a car, that I ride a bike. “I’m sorry. I though you drive.” I’m not sure what gave him that impression, but he seemed really surprised at this revelation.
But I guess there has been a crack in my little mask. A friend of mine has asked me why I looked so down the entire day. I wasn’t trying to put on some sympathy show. In fact, I was just trying to be normal. But I wasn’t in a good mood, so I was quiet most of the day, and I guess it showed. And when my girlfriend said it to me again, I though to myself “Is it really THAT obvious? Am I really THAT upset?” But just looking back at my last few posts, I tell myself “Who am I kidding. I AM upset.”
”I think you have a confidence problem.” My girlfriend tells me. That’s true. I have never been the very confident type. At my best, I was always the silent confident type, not liking to show everyone how confident I am, but quietly in my heart, I trusted myself. Some people seem to have confidence in whatever they do. I have a friend who is so confident of himself, he volunteers for everything, claims he knows everything and can learn anything, to the extent that people say he’s blowing his own trumpet. He is good at a few things, but he’s not everything. Despite people’s criticism, he has always remained confident, saying “I am somebody.” Even when people say to him “You are nobody.” Well, sad to say, I don’t have that. My own confidence has always been a result of my own judgment of my own abilities, as compared to others. In fact, I tend to underestimate myself a lot. I don’t like boasting, but I do enjoy being praised for what I feel I am good at. I have never dared claim myself to be ‘very good’ at anything, because as good as you are, there is always someone out there better than you! I guess its part of my upbringing as a kid. As Asians, we are brought up in a culture where boasting is arrogance and humility is highly regarded. Individualism is not something we are really comfy with and selling yourself is just something unheard of.
I guess that’s how it is with me. Just like many other people, whenever I received praise, I would quickly praise someone else, or make myself undeserving of that praise, as if acknowledging your superiority is a sin.
“I liked your speech very much.”
”Oh, erm, actually I didn’t write it. I just memorized it.”
It took me a long time before I came to the realization that I shouldn’t sell myself short, and that a graceful “Thank you” would be enough. But even till today, I cant stand being praised sincerely without blushing.
So it’s a struggle. To be confident, you must not be shy of what you can do, to stand up and make yourself be noticed and be counted, but to be humble means not to go around acting like you are better than others, trying to hog the lime light. That’s the problem with being a silent confident kind of person. You don’t blow your own trumpet, no one will do it for you, and no one thinks you are confident. Confident people always speak up! After all, the squeaky wheel always gets the oil. So do I have a confidence problem? (I guess a confident person would not have to ask this question because he would be confident of his own feelings. So the question itself also presents the answer, an obvious yes.) But I’m getting ahead of myself here.
I think to a certain extent, I’m not as confident as I could be. I know for a fact that I have been more confident before in my life. Confidence is not something you can maintain throughout your life. Everyone, at some point, looses confidence, and it takes constant rebuilding to regain it. I have never in my life been the type to aggressively sell myself, so I refuse to accept that confident people aren’t shy to promote themselves. I think even if I were the most confident person in the world, I would not sell myself too much. Let people judge me for who I am and what I do, and not what I say. But also to a certain extent, I am confident of myself, and this confidence comes from the little things that I believe that I am good at, like being able to speak properly or speaking up when I want to. These are things didn’t come naturally to me, and mastering them helped me. Also, coming from such a ‘colourful’ history, I know I have faced problems others only hear and read about. I know that I have been through far worst then many of my friends, and I have managed to become better than them despite the odds. It’s the subtle things like this that give me my confidence. Sure, its not like getting a Yale scholarship or being named Most Promising Youth of the year, but its enough to get me through, enough to tell me im not a spineless wimp who cant has never tasted the bitter part of life. Hey, I have tasted the ugly parts of life, and I taste it as we speak, but you’ll never see standing on top of a roof top, ready to take one final step. And that is something I can confidently say.
Who's problems are you talking about again?
Just yesterday night, my girlfriend was relating her conversation with her aunt in the UK. She had called to find out how her niece and nephew were doing.
In their conversation, my girlfriend told her aunt about how her brother and her was doing, as well as me. She told her that I have been facing a lot of hardship at home, especially with my mother. Her aunt was sympathetic, relating how one of her own best friends suffered the same problems as my mother. She said, as youngsters, we should not be struggling as we are right now. We should be out enjoying life and enjoying being young, not struggling day to day with matters like this. I couldn’t agree more myself. There is nothing I wouldn’t give just to be like other people my age, with normal problems; how to ask your dad for money when you overspend; which mp3 player to buy; how to borrow the car for the weekend.
“Sometimes, you just have to be selfish.” Her aunt said.
“What do you mean?” she asked.
“I am selfish. Selfish for you.” She said.
Her aunt told her; she should mix around with more people, increase her circle of friends, and not be too bogged down by my problems. If not, she would be affected in turn.
I’m not quite sure how to reach to that. I can appreciate her watching out for her niece, and it’s only natural for her to want the best for her niece, and not want her to be affected by problems that are essentially not hers. I know if I ever was in the same position, I would say the same thing.
But it did make me realize some things. All of the problems that she and I have been facing together ever since I entered college have been really my problems. My problems with my mother have dated back to when I was just a kid. My financial worries all started out in 1997 when my father lost his last proper job. Ever since then, the question of not having enough money has been a permanent feature in my life. My girlfriend has the backing of her aunt, who helps and supports her when she needs money. Her mother is staying outside, coming once a month to see her, contented at where she is, and her brother stays in a shelter home. I tutor him once a week, again paid by her aunt. But because she stays with me, she has had to face my mother, my brother as well as my father.
Whenever ‘we’ are financially tight, it’s because I have run out of money before my brother of father can give me more. Whenever ‘we’ are facing problems at home, its because of my family problems. I realize on my own that these problems don’t belong to her, they belong to me. Then I understand why her aunt said she didn’t want her niece to be too troubled by my problems. The only reason she was putting up with all this first hand was because she wanted to be with me.
I told my girlfriend frankly “I have no right to ask you to put up with all of this. This is my life and my problems. I don’t get to choose how my mother will be, I don’t get to choose if my father has a job or not. These are the things given to me in life, and I have to face them. But you have a choice. You don’t have to face them with me because like your aunt said, these are my problems.”
I bare no grudge against her aunt for saying that. For all she has done for me, I can only remain grateful. As for my girlfriend, I am touched that she has remained by my side and made my problems hers, and my joy hers. But suddenly I feel so lonely, so alone. As if God the plot decided to drop me off in the middle of the desert. Though she remains there by my side, though friends are there to offer their support, at the end, I still face what is coming alone. It is not their mother that is ill; it is not their pockets that are empty. And though they offer their sympathies and advice, lips service is free and of little value. There have been only too many times that seemingly good hearted friends show their concern to my family problems, people who claim they are really concerned about us, people who offer their money and time to help out, only to be conspicuously missing when it mattered most.
In all honesty, I am just plain angry at this life. It feels unjust and unfair. While sometimes, the whole situation just gives me the blues, at times like this, I just feeling like shouting out to God and say “I WON’T be beaten by you. You just watch.” Blasphemy I know, but I just can’t help but feel as if God deliberately put these obstacles in my way. There seems little I wouldn’t do now to beat the odds and crawl out of this mess. I long for the day when I have made it and life is good and say to myself “I have been through worse and I have made it despite what has happened.”
Some say the problems that we face make us what we are. But I don’t agree.
“We are what we are, not because of what happened to us. We are what we are, despite of what happens to us.”
And that’s something I intend to make come true.
Just a whole lot of whining
Life can be so tiresome at times. Reading my own blog, i see that i do alot of whining. Well, heres just some more of the same things.
As i saiod earlier, i have been keeping my distance from my mother ever since she came back. I have not been overseeing her medication, or buying her meals for her. Shes being doing those things on her own. Though i speak to her once in a while, she mostly minds her own things while i do my things. I dont tell her when im going out and neither does she. Its almost like living with a stranger.
But the minute my brother came back this weekend, she was a whole different person, laughing and talking with my brother. To a certain extent, i do understand why this has happened. My brother and her seldom see each other, hence the warmth when they meet. As for me, since i have deliberately been keeping my distance, she doesnt talk much to me. The minute my brother went off, she closed her door and just kept to herself in her room. The few times we did talk, we nearly argued. She was taking a hit at me, critizing me, saying i was like a slave to my girlfriend, fetching her here and there, washing her laundry and stuff.
I got really angry at this, and i just told her i wasnt interested to talk to her. I said if she has anything to say, save it for my brother.
Ever since the arguement broke out between my girlfriend and my mother, they have not spoken. My mother has said openly to my brother that she cant talk to her and my girlfriend has said she will not talk to my mother. The whole situation just upsets me, since the 2 are terrible stubborn.
I have had many fights with my girlfriend, and it always starts with me asking her to try to be nicer or friendlier to my mother and brother. She gets very very defensive and says that she is how she is. She says she is already doing her best and its not fair of me to ask more of her. Its as if she is not putting in any effort at. Furthermore, she says the most she can do is to keep quiet and not say anything.
But to me, thats not enough. She has been unbending in her will, and refuses to play nice, seeing this as 'faking' it. She believes that you shouldnt try to put on a friendly face if its not sincere. So she doesnt talk to my mother at all, and even my brother or my father, since in her eyes, all of them are hypocrites when i comes to this matter. I understand her sentiment, and i appreciate her being on my side. She is the only one who sees first hand what i am going through, and to her, my father and brothers absence in dealing with my mother has made them loose credibility in her eyes.
But i find myself increasingyl being torn apart. On one hand, i have my girlfriend, stubborn and hard headed, loyal at my side, but unable to get along with my family. Then, i have my brother, the optimistic talker and main financial provider for now, but constantly absent. Mother, with monthly mood swings with a penchant of running away and criticizing just about anything. Father, unable to provide even a sen to me, 3rd marriage in a mess and complains i dont call him. And me, the eternal self doubter, dead broke, constantly whining, and just plain unhappy.
I know its just a whole lot of nonsense what i just wrote. To be honest, my minds a but messy right now. Its not that im depressed or anything, but im not jumping for joy either. Im in limbo, caught in the eternal struggle, trying to determine if my life sucks or not. I guess, thats tge part that upsets me. Good things have happened, but so have many bad things. I get so frustrated, because i just want what everyone wants. To be happy. I try searching on the outside, seeking things that would make me happy, events or happenings that would brighten my day. But then i realise that things dont work that way. You dont get what you want. Do i have enough? Have things been goin well? NO.
So i seach within my self, trying to find peace and contentment from within. Trying to come to some realization or enlightenment of life, to be truely happy with what i have. Sometimes, for brief moments i think i find it. Other times, like now, i just dont know. Am i happy with what i have? Am i happy with who i am? Again, NO.
So you see, theres really nothing, externally or internally that i am happy about. If you have read until here, my hats off to you. I dont think i could even stand reading myself whining like this.
Till another time...
Runaway mom... there she is again
Latest update on my mom
She returned. She just gave me a call and said she is back in KL in front of our doorstep, but she cant get in because she lost her keys.
I wasnt really surprised to see her. I half expected her to show up one of these days. When i arrived home, she was sitting on the floor outside the door, leaning on the wall. I didnt say anything, just opened the door and let her in. It is obvious she hasnt really been taking any medication since she immediately started blabering all sorts of nonsense from her little one week adventure, complaining how living in a small town is better than in KL. I wasnt in the mood to listen to any of it and i told her so. She asked me why was i still angry after one week. I just kept quiet. Not wanting to deal with her, i sent a message to my brother to call me back, but he didnt call.
I partiall knew what she had been up to. Just earlier in the day, my father got a call from the house buyer up north, complaining that my mother had been causing all sorts of havoc to the people there. She returned the check to the buyer, she badgered them about her debt to the bank, and worst of all, since she lost her keys and couldnt get into the house, she got someone to break the darn door down. The buyer called my father complaining that the house has been left wide ajar without a proper door for the past few days. She had come, broke the door down, did whatever she wanted to do, and just left like that.
And there she was, standing in front of me again. I didnt want to care, didnt want to hear what she had to say. My first temptation was to ask her for her medication and start administering it to her again. My second thought was to get my brother to come so that we can admit her into a hospital to stabilize her. But since i didnt want to turn into the bad guy again so quickly, and my brother didnt call back, i did neither. im not sure how the next few days are going to pass now that shes back. But i can say for certain that if she continues with this unstable streak, i will have to do something. Either send her to a hospital or get my brother involved in it somehow. As long as im not alone at the front line, biting all the bullets. Its bad enough having to deal with exams looming and a tonne of unfinished assignments, barely 1 hour back home, she is already asking me to give her my tuition class earnings and fifty dollars extra from my girlfriend for her to cook everyday.
I know its mean of me, i know its selfish of me not showing the same level of determination as i did previously. But to me, my mother has proven herself capable of getting what she wants. After all, she literally just came and went as she liked. The entire week away, she didnt spend a cent. Her meals were covered by the people she regularly ask money from. She even managed to get a free bus ticket back to KL but persuading the ticket seller that she was a psychiatric patient, she should not need to pay. Talk about being manipulative. She willingly exploits her condition to her own advantage, but will fight to the end with me the minute i mention she needs medication.
Right now, at this very moment, she doesnt seem like a victim to me, though i know thats not entirely true. Instead, i am starting to feel victimized by this whole drama, being caught smack in the middle. Maybe thats why im still angry. Because from being the person trying to take care of her, i now feel like the victim instead. And because of that, i begrudge her, refusing to show any care or sympathy towards her.
Maybe you are right my anonymous friend. I should just sell the bike and go to Phuket or something without my mom. But then again, if i bring her, we may get free tickets to come home.
Hey, Mr Policeman
Ever since I started being a road user, I have never liked coming in contact with the police. To me, it always meant trouble. Mind you, our local police enforcement suffers a bit of an image problem, with graft and corruption widely publicized. But then again, for the first few years of my driving, I didn’t have a driving license, hence my dislike in seeing a policeman on the road.
I was riding my motorbike home. As I turn into one corner, I realized what was ahead; a police road block. I had not come across one of this in a while. More importantly, the last time I came across one, I was without a license and was left with a stern warning and a $50 fine to boot. This time round, I was ready with my license. So they stopped me, and I gladly gave the officer my license for inspection. “It’s nice to be a law abiding road user for a change” I thought to myself. The officer gave me a quick look over, and since he couldn’t fine anything to book me with, he reluctantly (so it seemed to me) return my license card and I was on my way again. Half pleased with myself, half annoyed at the untrusting face on the officer as I left.
I went first to my friends place to get some work done. While I was there, he was telling me about a friend of ours who was robbed today in the evening. She had lost her bag, along with her wallet, cell phone and laptop; snatched by 2 people on motorbikes. “AGAIN!” I couldn’t believe it.
Just 2 weeks ago, on my birthday in fact, a fellow student from our college was stabbed in the head and hand, just nearby the college. The 2 men on motorbike came up to him and his friend slashed and stabbed them and went off with his wallet. 2 hours later, just over a mile away, another student was robbed and left with a slashed hand. Many suspected it was done by the same people. It caused a big uproar in the neighbourhood and the issue was featured prominently in the local media. “Where are the police?” people complained. “Why did they take an hour before arriving?” Why were the street lights not repaired?” A lack of man power was cited by the police, but people were angry. “The police are corrupt. The police are slow. The police are not doing their job.” People didn’t want to hear excuses. A boy died and its someones fault. Unfortunately for the police, people felt it was them. Something like this was just waiting to happen.
A classmate of mine woke up 2 mornings in a row to find a hand, reaching in from the window, trying to grab at whatever was there. She was too terrified to open the curtains and she feared that the robber would recognize her face and come after her. Another classmate told of a person trying to open their living room door, thinking there was no one at home. In both cases, the robbers ran off in a motrorbike once they knew they were discovered. Many of my friends carry pepper spray and one friend even carries around a retractable baton. “Looks like its up to us to take care of ourselves. The police are too busy taking bribes to care.” I thought to myself. After I was done, I went home, feeling safer on my bike then on foot.
As I approached home, to my utter surprise, there was ANOTHER road block, and again, I was stopped, license and registration checked. This time, the officer was taking my details down and the model of my motorbike. I asked him what was the matter, he said they were just gathering information on motorbike users because of the high rate of motorbike thefts. “Its about time you people did some work.” I secretly thought. I even ventured to complain and tell the officer about my beloved motorbike, stolen 2 months ago in this very neighbourhood. “We’ll keep looking. In the mean time, just take good care of your current bike.” The officer replied.
I arrived to my doorstep about to open my door. But from downstairs, 3 men shouted out to me to stop. My first instinct was to quickly get into the house. These 3 men were highly suspicious, hanging around our neighbourhood. As the 3 men came up, I was visible wary of them. They said they were police, but they were in plain cloths, so I didn’t really trust them. I asked for their identification and they showed me their badges. Somewhat relieved, I asked them what was the matter. “Just my luck. They stop me twice on the road, and now they come to my doorstep. This cant be a good day.” I thought to myself. But boy was I wrong.
People say miracles don’t really happen. When I lost my motorbike, I was devastated. My world came crashing down in a way. Actually in was the trust in myself that came crashing down. Reports say that in the big city, a motorbike gets stolen every few minutes on average. The number of stolen motorbikes in Malaysia is staggering, and the chances of finding it back is next to impossible. Or so I was told. Though I hoped against hope that my motorbike would be found and the culprit punished, I knew it was impossible. I had resigned to my fate and bought another old bike just a month ago in order to get around. People say miracles don’t really happen, but it did for me.
The next few words from the officer blew me away. “Your motorbike has been found.” It sounded almost like a joke, but from the seriousness of their tone, and the fact that they waited 3 hours for me outside my doorstep, I had to believe it was real. These 3 men, looked more like people who steal bikes rather than find them. But they were bearers of the most wonderful news I have heard in a long long time, and it wasn’t that my bike was found. Yes, my bike has been found. But the really really wonderful news to me was that miracles CAN happen. Hope is not for the foolish after all. And for once, something genuinely good has happened to me. In a time when everything that could go wrong went wrong for me, with my mother running away and me running out of cash, for things to go right on its own without my own effort seemed like a distant dream; a foolish hope.
After I lost that bike, there was nothing more I wanted but to turn back time and undo that stupid moment of carelessness. Today, what I have lost has been returned to me, though in a way I feel undeserving of it. But for the moment, I’m just happy. It’s a miracle indeed to have lost and found again. For some reason, it makes me just want to sing Amazing Grace! Also, I’m left with the question “What am I going to do with 2 bikes?” But I figure “Hey, that’s a good problem to have.”
Runaway mom....one to many times
I cant believe im saying this again, but my mother has left.... Again. Its almost comical in a sad way.
Just last night in fact. But this time its different. I had a fight with her before i left. I was in college the whole day. I left her high blood pressure medicine for her on the cabinet as usual, but when i came home she still had not taken it. I took the medicine but she refused. We then got into a heated arguement, she refusing to take it, saying she knows how to take care of herself. Still i insisted to give it to her. I tried putting the tablets to her mouth and she tried to snatch it from me instead. A small scuffle broke out and the tablets dropped and went missing instead.
I blew my top and said some pretty nasty things to her. I told her her blood pressure puts her at risk of a stroke. If she end up in hospital dont expect me to see her, since she refuse to let me care for her. A few days earlier, in another arguement she said "Im not your mother." I got angry at that i told her "YOu said it, not me."
I asked her sarcasticly why did she bother to come back the last time she left. And if she leaves again, dont expect me to come 4am in the morning to pick her up. I told her to ask her own son to pick her up, not me since she has disowned me. She kept asking me for money, asking me to return her her money. i told her she was ungrateful and selfishm, caring only about her own self. I cited many times when i had bought dinner for her or when my girlfriend cooked for her, she would only complain.
My brother on the other hand, just talks positive without having to bear any of the problems. He's away 6 days a week, and the day he's at home, he goes out to play computer games with his friends, leaving me to attend to her. "Dont yell at her. Just put up with it. We'll just have to be patient." he goes. But he's hardly facing what i am facing, knowing only to talk nice things and say good things. The last time she ran away, i told my brother all about it, expecting him to give a full account to the psychiatrist about what happened during the appoinment. Instead he said nothing, and the doctor did nothing. I asked him "Why didnt you say anything?" He said "What is there to say? She is ok what." Yeah right, she's ok. Thats easy for him to say, since he had so little to put up with. My mother generally cooperated with my brother more. She openly admitted to me she had a little favourism towards my brother between the two of us brothers. More importantly, it was I, not my brother who was administering her medication every morning and night. So i was the one "trying to poison and kill" her. Again, her own words. Interestingly, sunday night, just before my brother left to go back to his place, we spoke about the matter. He said to me to be patient and just bare with it. i said to him "I dont know. If she runs away again, its not my problem."
True enough, she has run away. When i came home to an empty house yesterday, i felt guilty. I knew i had a big part to play in this running away. I couldnt sleep, staying up untill 4am. I felt so bad inside, guilt coming over me. I wanted to cry, but no tears fell. I wanted to pretend im ok, but the burden in my heart was too heavy to ignore. I wanted to talk to someone, anyone. But my hand stayed, afraid of calling. Who would understand? Who can i talk to that would listen to me 4am in the morning? I did fall asleep eventually. The next day (today), i stayed at home the entire day. I didnt talk to anyone, didnt meet anyone. I just spoke to my brother briefly about my mother an spoke to my girlfriend for a while. i stayed at home, watching Forrest Gump, patting my dog and listening to the silence in the house, my mother missing from the house. I turn the TV up, trying to drown out the obvious absence of my mother, and the guilt i feel. I wanted to talk to someone, but at the same time, i didnt feel like meeting any of my regular friends. They hardly ask or care about my family life. Admittedly, i too have kept very mum about it.
So as i write this and return to my house, i am still left with the guilt that it was i who chased her out of the house. The only respond my brother had was "Just let her be and wait for her call. If she comes back, dont scold her, just talk to her nicely and ask her why she left without informing us first." I said nothing. I wont scold her, but i dont think i want to talk to her much either, if she even comes back at all. My brother can play 'fantasy family' all he wants, insisting my mother can be managed. But i think its beyond my own means alone. I have almost single handedly been taking care and supervising my mothers mediction and meals, but i have failed on numerous occasions, with my temper running high and patience running low. My brother, watching from far away may not understand it. When shes in her good moods, its a breeze. But when she's difficult like she has been for the pass 2 months, the stress is enough to make a sane person go crazy. I should know better, because being her son, i too am at risk of mentall illness if i do not manage my stress and emotions properly.
My girlfriend is terrified of the prospect of me needing psychiatric care. "I dont want you to end up like your mother." I know her concern, but i assured her that im alright, and as proof, even she agrees i dont show signs of depression. But i did tell her, i do have my limits. There is so much a person can take before he needs a break. I know i sound selfish in saying this, but she leaving last night is that needed break. Though i do feel guilty about it, i'd be lying if i didnt say i need some time away from my mother. I just feel like not wanting to care for the moment. In her own words "I know how to take care of myself." Well ma, go ahead, take care of yourself. I cannot be carrying her on my shoulders when i feel my back is breaking. IF that makes me a bad person, so be it.
Of clothes and Cash
My shoulder
feels tense. Whenever i flex it, the muscle there aches. Im not sure if its the lack of sleep or all the tension around the house that is causing it. Last night after coming home from tuition, a shouting match broke out between my mother and girlfriend. For a long time now, there has been a cold war going on between the 2. For some reason, my mother cant accept my girlfriend being around. "Now that you have a girlfriend, you forget your mother." she tells me. She has been showing subtle signs of aggression, or passive agrressive towards her, insisting that she still is an outsider. My girlfriend cant really stand my mothers antics. Her saying offensive things without much consideration or judgement. Plus, she feels hurt that after all these years and all that she has done, she is still unaccepted by her. "I'm always in the wrong, you always side you mother." she tells me.The shouting match begin when we came home, and my girlfriend found her half-washed cloths, spread out messily on top of the washing machine. She asked my mother why her cloths were laid out in a mess like that. My mother responded by accusing her of finding fault with her. She then went on to say that she has been wasting a lot of the soap powder. My girlfriend said if that is so, i will pay you back. She took out the cash and my mother took it. When i came into the picture, the both of them turned to me and started shouting at me at what each other did.
"She mess up my cloths and left it on the washing machine." my girlfriend said.
"She come back immediately find fault with me." my mother said.
I asked her why did she mess up the clothes, she said she was looking for my shirt. She went through the pile of half washed laundrt, took my shirt and hanged it, leaving my girlfriends cloths all in a mess around the machine. She then told my girlfriend not to use the washing machine anymore, and she should wash her own cloths in hostel and not use our soap powder. I asked her why she hanged my cloths and not hang hers, she said she wanted to wait for the sunlight to hang hers. But i think she did it deliberately as some kind of sign of dissapproval.
Over the week, my girlfriend was on leave and she cooked most of the days. But my mother has refused to eat, only eating when i insist on it. "Chicken again" she complains. "I dont like cabbage." "Use so much of the onions. The onions belong to Jynn (my brother). She shouldnt use so much of it." That just among the few of the complains she has been giving.
Furthermore, she makes faces behind peoples back, showing her displeasure to me behind her back, but not showing it in front of that person. Kind of like what you see on tv, when the person makes ugly faces, or shows a sour face behind a persons back to someone else in the room. She has been doing that to many people for many years now. When she showed me that face again last night, i got angry and scolded her, saying she was deceiving and calling her a two faced jackal. I said if she has something she was unhappy about, say it out in the open and not talk being people back or make hateful faces.
Out of the blue, she goes on again asking me to return her 5 dollars for the money she spent taking the taxi 2 months ago. She asked me to chase my friends for their money since they ate with us at home. I told her i have to money to give her, barely having enough even for myself. I was angry at this because i know she has more money in her purse than the rest of us combine. Yet, here she was, fighting with her own son and all the people around her for every tooth and nail, every penny and cent. I was hurt. I asked her has she ever asked me if I have enough money. She kept quiet. The obvious obvious.
"Hardship brings out the worst and the best in people. Now, when we are all so financially tight, you show me that all you care about is your own pocket. You secure yourself at the expense of others, even your own son. Even pa, with no money to give me still ask me if im ok, if i have enough to spend. You on the other hand, sit on your golden treasure chest and aske me for the last penny i have in my pocket. I know that is how you have been surviving alone all these years, but you are living in a family now. We are all on the same ship, we are all in this together. If you still think only of yourself, the you really have lost all sense of togetherness and family. "
I know those were harsh words, but i was just so frustrated at her. She stashed away the money my brother gave her, living on my allowance instead. Not that its wrong, but i dont have a tree growing coins and im still a student, with expenses. "You aske me to come here to live, so i shouldnt have to pay for anything. I am a girl, you as the man shouldnt make me pay." she said.
"Why did you bother coming back if you say you are so torture and unhappy here?" i asked her. She stared at me not knowing what to say. "Who asked you to force me to sell the house?" she asked me in return. Its impossible trying to talk to her in this condition. Its impossible to get through to her.
I think i have just about reach my witts end dealing with this whole matter. Not only do i have my own studies to worry about, i am trapped between my mother and girlfriend, now openly at odds with each other and im dead broke, having receving almost no money from my brother or father for the month of July. I have to find a solution for both of them and myself, before we all loose our sanity.
Runway mom.. briefly
So its my birthday night. We are all having dinner, sitting around the living room. My mother stays most of the time in her room, not wanting to come out. After dinner, we all went in my brothers car to send one of my friends off and have supper.
It was turning out to be quite an ok birthday. Chatting and laughing among friends. Coming home 2am in the morning, my mothers door was still closed, so i assumed she was asleep.
The next morning, as we we just about to go out again, i went into her room to wake her up, wanting to ask her if she wants to come along. To my surprise she wasnt there. I had bolted the door the last night before sleeping, and when i checked, it was still bolted. That meant that she went off after i left the house and before i returned later.
Again... i told myself.... She did it again.
I didint know how to react this time. I was too tired to feel angry, just very frustrated. So i let it be. I told my brother and father and just went about my day. I knew it was just a matter of time before she called.
True enough, on Sunday night she called saying she was on her way home and please pick her up 4am in the morning at the bus station.
So Monday morning i picked her up and brough t her home again.
Ths time round, i didnt ask much, didnt scold much. i just told her the nex time round she runs away, dont expect me to come pick her up at such ungodly hour again. If she wanted to run away on her own for reasons only known to her, then come back on your own.
